Every year, Snoop McSneak Celebrity Magazine takes out a front page ad to honor someone we believe is worthy and this year, it goes without saying that Mr. Pitt is the recipient of this honor.
To William Bradley Pitt
Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of “you” to the world, with your actions, you have shown us a few simple truths – For everything lost, there is always a GREATER gain;Happiness does not come from the PERFECT, THE IDEAL, OR BEING GOLDEN….it comes from looking beyond the imperfections and taking pleasure in simple things… but the greatest truth we’ve learnt from you is this - No one can bring you happiness but yourself, we must do what’s right for us…. no matter what anyone says, after all it is OUR LIFE.
Here’s to you William Bradley Pitt, may you live long in health, wealth and absolute contentment with the family (Wife - Angelina Jolie, Children -Maddox, Zahara and Shiloh) you went through great lengths to gain. A lesser man would have caved in but not you…..You saw the visions of bigger and better things ahead and you held on. If we are asked to sum up your life so far, the old cliche - He who laughs last, laughs the longest comes to mind but your life is more than a cliche….it is the antithesis of cliches. Hopefully, one day, we will find just the right words, the right sentences and the right paragraph to sum it up but until that day comes, HAPPINESS, JOY and LOVE will suffice.
And so it is with a great pleasure, we are joining in to say - May the year which your birthday begins, brings all the special things that mean the most to you and yours!
Happy Birthday Brad Pitt.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Monday, October 2, 2006
Celebration Time
Celebrating Freedom Day in JJville
By Head Snoop McSneak
Bamsville, JJland. Oct 2nd dawned like any other day but for the people of Bamsville, this day was anything but. It was a day of merriment, a day to roll out the party carpet and joyously celebrate BDL.
“This a very big day in Bamsville, we all so excited and just happy. I’m sorry I just can’t contain my excitement” Ms. Guli, Mayor of Bamsville and the founder of BDL, gushed to this reporter.
“It’s been seven yrs. in the making….those were trying times…when we thought we’d never see this day and here we are celebrating the first Anniversary…it’s unbelievable!” she exclaimed.
“Yes, unbelievable” chimed Ms. Gitane, the Mayor’s assistant who could hardly keep it together.
As we walked the streets, I could feel the excitement in the air; the birds seemed a lot chirpier, the butterflies more colorful, the leaves and grasses greener
“Five yrs ago….this place was dead, not a bird in sight, not even flies. It was as dead as a graveyard but now….” Ms. Guli paused, held out her hand and like magic, the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen, appeared and perched lightly on her hand. Ms. Guli looked up at me and said “well the changes speak for itself” with a flicker of her wrist, she let the butterfly go.
What happened five years ago? What brought about the changes? What is BDL? These were the questions that ran through my mind as I watched the little children running around the streets of Bamsville. My confusion must have registered on my face because Ms. Guli patted me gently on the hand and said
‘It’s all about the children….it always has”.
If she thought that would explain it, she was mistaken.
Finally I was lead to a magnificent room, in a huge house that sat in the middle of the city. Upon entering the room, what jumped out at me was the huge portrait of the most beautiful family I had ever seen. Without a thought, I took a step closer…..
“Is that….” I stammered
“Yes” Ms. Guli answered, not at all surprised by the star struck expression on my face.
“Wow” I said in awe. Realizing I was losing my professional facade, I immediately composed myself. I stepped away from the picture and took a seat opposite the mayor.
“First off…” I began in my most professional voice “What is BDL?” I asked, pen poised.
“Brad’s Day of Liberation” she answered without preamble.
“Brad’s day of Liberation?” I repeated
“See it is a year ago today that our Brad escaped the clutches of that….that woman”
Without further prompting, Ms. Guli launched into the most horrific story I had ever heard. Now believe me, I am not your garden variety reporter, I have written stories about war and natural disasters but none as terrifying as this. It started off in the usual manner - boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married but there was no happily ever after for this boy and this girl because the laws of nature does not permit it for man and succubus. Yes, the girl it turned out was not what she presented herself to be and the poor boy…. “our Brad” as Ms. Guli fondly calls him, was trapped.
“Those days were pure agony” She said her voice dropping. Behind her, Ms. Gitane gave an involuntary shiver
“Pure Agony” she parroted….she did that a lot.
“So what happened?” I asked wanting…..no…desperately needing to know more.
“She happened” Ms. Guli said pointing at the vision of beauty in the portrait. “Yeah, she came along and broke the spell that woman put him under”
Suddenly visions of combat….dueling divas flashed in my head. I leaned closer
“How?”
“With love” she responded with a soft whisper. Love? Love? I was taken aback… What happened to the sword fights, the wrestling, the boxing….not even a cat fight?
“She came along and showed the man what real love is. She brought him to life and most of all, she gave him LIFE.”
“She gave him life?” I asked
“She gave him life” Ms. Gitane repeated.
“She gave him children…..an extension of life” Ms. Guli explained.
“Oh…she gave him life” I said
“It was a long and arduous road but on this day….Oct 2nd, in 2005, the decree came down that he was free” she smiled fondly
“It was a momentous day, it was. I remember the flowers suddenly springing to life, the birds dusting their limp feathers, ready to fly again. The bunnies crawling out of their holes, happily skipping down the streets” She paused as if to riding on the memories
“Momentous day” Ms. Gitane repeated
“And that’s it. That’s the reason we celebrate” Ms. Guli finished.
In all my years as a reporter, I seen people celebrate for celebrating sake…but not the people at Bamsville. Indeed they deserve to celebrate, there have been many a good man who have been brought down by the succubus in their lives and for this man…”their Brad” to walk away unscathed…is truly a miracle. Ms. Guli was quick to correct me on the last part though,
“Oh there are scars left by that woman but there is no doubt in my mind that our heroine will wipe them away” I too did not doubt that, for as I looked at the picture of this woman who had saved the man from a fate worse than death, I became a believer in the great power of love.
As the interview drew to a close, there was something that still bothered me, I just had to ask
“So….what became of her?”
Ms. Guli and Ms. Gitane exchanged glances and then burst into laughter….One of those belly-aching, uncontrollable laugh, they had to lean into each other for support. After what seemed like eternity, Ms. Guli wiped the tears streaming down her face and said
“She is fading into oblivion”
“Yes, Oblivion….nothingness” Ms. Gitane chimed in, grinning like a Cheshire.
“Ouch!” I exclaimed before I could help myself.
“Ouch indeed…. Ironic isn’t it? She trapped him to give herself a long shelf life and now she disappearing faster that she would have… just because she trapped him” and on that note, the interview came to a close.
Ms. Guli generously gave me a standing invite to Bamsville and I think this is an invitation I won’t pass up. What can I can….there something about the people in Bamsville that draws you in.
“Its love” Ms. Guli responded “People can’t resist love”
“No siree bob!” Ms. Gitane added.
It was with a contemplative mind, I left Bamsville that day….the sound of music, laughter and pure happiness ringing in my ears, and even though I was going back to my dingy one bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town, I couldn’t help but send a silent prayer of thanks that I wasn’t in THAT WOMAN’s Shoes.
Copyright: Snoop McSneak Celebrity Magazine
By Head Snoop McSneak
Bamsville, JJland. Oct 2nd dawned like any other day but for the people of Bamsville, this day was anything but. It was a day of merriment, a day to roll out the party carpet and joyously celebrate BDL.
“This a very big day in Bamsville, we all so excited and just happy. I’m sorry I just can’t contain my excitement” Ms. Guli, Mayor of Bamsville and the founder of BDL, gushed to this reporter.
“It’s been seven yrs. in the making….those were trying times…when we thought we’d never see this day and here we are celebrating the first Anniversary…it’s unbelievable!” she exclaimed.
“Yes, unbelievable” chimed Ms. Gitane, the Mayor’s assistant who could hardly keep it together.
As we walked the streets, I could feel the excitement in the air; the birds seemed a lot chirpier, the butterflies more colorful, the leaves and grasses greener
“Five yrs ago….this place was dead, not a bird in sight, not even flies. It was as dead as a graveyard but now….” Ms. Guli paused, held out her hand and like magic, the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen, appeared and perched lightly on her hand. Ms. Guli looked up at me and said “well the changes speak for itself” with a flicker of her wrist, she let the butterfly go.
What happened five years ago? What brought about the changes? What is BDL? These were the questions that ran through my mind as I watched the little children running around the streets of Bamsville. My confusion must have registered on my face because Ms. Guli patted me gently on the hand and said
‘It’s all about the children….it always has”.
If she thought that would explain it, she was mistaken.
Finally I was lead to a magnificent room, in a huge house that sat in the middle of the city. Upon entering the room, what jumped out at me was the huge portrait of the most beautiful family I had ever seen. Without a thought, I took a step closer…..
“Is that….” I stammered
“Yes” Ms. Guli answered, not at all surprised by the star struck expression on my face.
“Wow” I said in awe. Realizing I was losing my professional facade, I immediately composed myself. I stepped away from the picture and took a seat opposite the mayor.
“First off…” I began in my most professional voice “What is BDL?” I asked, pen poised.
“Brad’s Day of Liberation” she answered without preamble.
“Brad’s day of Liberation?” I repeated
“See it is a year ago today that our Brad escaped the clutches of that….that woman”
Without further prompting, Ms. Guli launched into the most horrific story I had ever heard. Now believe me, I am not your garden variety reporter, I have written stories about war and natural disasters but none as terrifying as this. It started off in the usual manner - boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married but there was no happily ever after for this boy and this girl because the laws of nature does not permit it for man and succubus. Yes, the girl it turned out was not what she presented herself to be and the poor boy…. “our Brad” as Ms. Guli fondly calls him, was trapped.
“Those days were pure agony” She said her voice dropping. Behind her, Ms. Gitane gave an involuntary shiver
“Pure Agony” she parroted….she did that a lot.
“So what happened?” I asked wanting…..no…desperately needing to know more.
“She happened” Ms. Guli said pointing at the vision of beauty in the portrait. “Yeah, she came along and broke the spell that woman put him under”
Suddenly visions of combat….dueling divas flashed in my head. I leaned closer
“How?”
“With love” she responded with a soft whisper. Love? Love? I was taken aback… What happened to the sword fights, the wrestling, the boxing….not even a cat fight?
“She came along and showed the man what real love is. She brought him to life and most of all, she gave him LIFE.”
“She gave him life?” I asked
“She gave him life” Ms. Gitane repeated.
“She gave him children…..an extension of life” Ms. Guli explained.
“Oh…she gave him life” I said
“It was a long and arduous road but on this day….Oct 2nd, in 2005, the decree came down that he was free” she smiled fondly
“It was a momentous day, it was. I remember the flowers suddenly springing to life, the birds dusting their limp feathers, ready to fly again. The bunnies crawling out of their holes, happily skipping down the streets” She paused as if to riding on the memories
“Momentous day” Ms. Gitane repeated
“And that’s it. That’s the reason we celebrate” Ms. Guli finished.
In all my years as a reporter, I seen people celebrate for celebrating sake…but not the people at Bamsville. Indeed they deserve to celebrate, there have been many a good man who have been brought down by the succubus in their lives and for this man…”their Brad” to walk away unscathed…is truly a miracle. Ms. Guli was quick to correct me on the last part though,
“Oh there are scars left by that woman but there is no doubt in my mind that our heroine will wipe them away” I too did not doubt that, for as I looked at the picture of this woman who had saved the man from a fate worse than death, I became a believer in the great power of love.
As the interview drew to a close, there was something that still bothered me, I just had to ask
“So….what became of her?”
Ms. Guli and Ms. Gitane exchanged glances and then burst into laughter….One of those belly-aching, uncontrollable laugh, they had to lean into each other for support. After what seemed like eternity, Ms. Guli wiped the tears streaming down her face and said
“She is fading into oblivion”
“Yes, Oblivion….nothingness” Ms. Gitane chimed in, grinning like a Cheshire.
“Ouch!” I exclaimed before I could help myself.
“Ouch indeed…. Ironic isn’t it? She trapped him to give herself a long shelf life and now she disappearing faster that she would have… just because she trapped him” and on that note, the interview came to a close.
Ms. Guli generously gave me a standing invite to Bamsville and I think this is an invitation I won’t pass up. What can I can….there something about the people in Bamsville that draws you in.
“Its love” Ms. Guli responded “People can’t resist love”
“No siree bob!” Ms. Gitane added.
It was with a contemplative mind, I left Bamsville that day….the sound of music, laughter and pure happiness ringing in my ears, and even though I was going back to my dingy one bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town, I couldn’t help but send a silent prayer of thanks that I wasn’t in THAT WOMAN’s Shoes.
Copyright: Snoop McSneak Celebrity Magazine
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Meeting at the Airport
Time- 1:02pm
Kate - What do you mean?
Kate - Jesus, she has lost it. Quick let’s get outta here.
Another Scenario
Jen – Hey Kate, I heard about your divorces. How are you holding up?
Kate – oh I’m cool. Oh I’m cool. It wasn’t like unexpected or anything so I was kinda prepared for it.
Jen – Now Kate, you listen to me…if you need any help on how to handle this with class, just call me.
Kate – Yeah…okay.
Jen – Because I know how to handle things…all my fans says so.
Kate – Hun…yeah, You’re definitely a class act.
Jen – I know. Alright give me a hug. *thinking to self* I sure hope the razzis get”
Kate – Oh…okay. *thinking to self* God, I hope the razzis don’t get this*
Jen – Bye love. Call me. (Jen Leaves)
Friend - What? Classy Lady? Are you kidding me?
Kate - Shuush….let’s just get outta here.
Friend - Okay, but you better start talking. What do you mean class act?
Kate - Don’t you get it? I had to say it or we’ll have an airport blow up on our hands
.Friend - What do you mean?
Kate - Helloooooo, haven’t you been paying attention? Jen is an insecure woman, who needs to be validated and if she doesn’t get it, she’s gonna whine. Remember the incident with Kimberly Stewart?
Friend - Who?
Kate – Exactly! Some nobody calls her homely and she was a nervous wreck. I’ve got my own problems; I don’t want to add the problems of a 37yrs old woman to mine. So I threw her a bone just so we’ll get rid of her.
Friend - Ahhh, I see. I was worried there for a sec.
Kate - Puh-lease, the last thing she is, is classy.
(Suddenly they hear a loud scream)
Jen - How dare you say you want to search me? Do you think I’m Al Queda? I am Americaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Sweetheaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart.
Kate - Jesus, she’s lost it. Quick let’s get outta here before someone sees us.
Date - 08/16/2006
Location - LAX
Snoop McSneak's Eavesdropper's Account of the conversation that took place between a recently divorces Kate Hudson and Old Divorcee Jennifer Aniston.
Jen - Hey Kate, I heard about your divorce. How are ya holding up.
Kate - Oh I’m cool. It wasn’t like unexpected or anything so I was kinda prepared for it.
Jen - Now Kate, that’s the last thing you want to say in public. Girl you gotta act like you were blind sided by it.
Kate - What do you mean?Jen - Pity Party, girl. You do not mess with the power of the Pity Party. Look at me, after 3 bombs I’m still in the news.
Kate - uhhh…..about that, aren’t you a little embarrassed? Do you know people are laughing at you?
Jen - What do you mean?
Kate - I mean, it was obvious your marriage was failing, yet you pretend like it came out of nowhere. It seems a little childish. Look at me, I’m 27yrs old with a Kid and I’d never stoop to that level. I have too much class for that.
Jen - (pointing finger) Are you calling me classless...Bitch?
Kate - Whatever Jen, Whatever. You need to chill out with the pity party.(To her friend)Come on let’s get outta here before someone takes my picture with this whiny woman….girl. Jeez, why couldn’t I have run into Angelina Jolie at the airport? Now that will elevate my status.
Jen - (Screaming) what did you say? Do you know who I am? I am America’s Sweetheart! Americaaaa’s Sweethearrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!
Jen - (Screaming) what did you say? Do you know who I am? I am America’s Sweetheart! Americaaaa’s Sweethearrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!
Kate - Jesus, she has lost it. Quick let’s get outta here.
Another Scenario
Jen – Hey Kate, I heard about your divorces. How are you holding up?
Kate – oh I’m cool. Oh I’m cool. It wasn’t like unexpected or anything so I was kinda prepared for it.
Jen – Now Kate, you listen to me…if you need any help on how to handle this with class, just call me.
Kate – Yeah…okay.
Jen – Because I know how to handle things…all my fans says so.
Kate – Hun…yeah, You’re definitely a class act.
Jen – I know. Alright give me a hug. *thinking to self* I sure hope the razzis get”
Kate – Oh…okay. *thinking to self* God, I hope the razzis don’t get this*
Jen – Bye love. Call me. (Jen Leaves)
Friend - What? Classy Lady? Are you kidding me?
Kate - Shuush….let’s just get outta here.
Friend - Okay, but you better start talking. What do you mean class act?
Kate - Don’t you get it? I had to say it or we’ll have an airport blow up on our hands
.Friend - What do you mean?
Kate - Helloooooo, haven’t you been paying attention? Jen is an insecure woman, who needs to be validated and if she doesn’t get it, she’s gonna whine. Remember the incident with Kimberly Stewart?
Friend - Who?
Kate – Exactly! Some nobody calls her homely and she was a nervous wreck. I’ve got my own problems; I don’t want to add the problems of a 37yrs old woman to mine. So I threw her a bone just so we’ll get rid of her.
Friend - Ahhh, I see. I was worried there for a sec.
Kate - Puh-lease, the last thing she is, is classy.
(Suddenly they hear a loud scream)
Jen - How dare you say you want to search me? Do you think I’m Al Queda? I am Americaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Sweetheaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart.
Kate - Jesus, she’s lost it. Quick let’s get outta here before someone sees us.
Sunday, June 4, 2006
Snoop McSneak Goes to Africa
Snoop McSneak Celebrity Magazine has obtained a note that will give its readers a rare look-see into Mr. Pitt’s heart. The note was written by Mr. Pitt to Ms. Jolie on her birthday. We were able to get this note with the use of The Telescopic Lens 9000 and since we saw how the whole thing went down, we are able to give you step by step play of how the events unfolded.
First Mr. Pitt wrote the note….He seemed to be having a hard time expressing what he felt. After the 11th try, he got it. Then he called his Son Maddox, who had been playing on the living room with his Grandpa Pitt and Little Sister Zahara, Grandma Pitt took in the scene with love.
Mr. Pitt handed the note to Maddox, whispered something in his eyes and pointed at Ms. Jolie who had been seating on the couch with Little Shiloh in her arms.
Mr. Pitt stood at the doorway and watched with pride as his little cupid delivered the love note. Maddox handed the note to his mom.
Ms. Jolie opened the note and read it. Since Ms. Jolie had her back to us, we were unable to see her expression.
Mrs. Pitt tapped her husband on the shoulder and they both looked to Ms. Jolie’s direction.
Mrs. Pitt got up and went to Ms. Jolie. She carefully took Shiloh from Ms. Jolie. The older Mr. Pitt taking his cue from his wife picked Zahara up and beckoned for Maddox to come with.
Maddox resisted and said something to his mother…fortunately, we had our Expert Lip Reader with us, Maddox said “Mommy why are you crying?”.
Ms. Jolie, who still had her back to us, said something…fortunately, we also had our Body Language Expert there.
According to our expert, Ms. Jolie said “These are tears of happiness, sweetie. Mommy is very happy” to which Maddox replied “I love you mommy…thank you for giving me two sisters and happy birthday again”
Ms. Jolie hugged Maddox, kissed him on the head and released him. Maddox left the room with his grandparents.
Mr.Pitt and Ms. Jolie were alone in the room…although they weren’t talking, we could tell they were speaking with their eyes.
Unfortunately, Our Eye Language Expert had quit last week…after calling our magazine third rate. He went to work for In Touch Magazine but the Joke is on him…In touch is a wack magazine AND they don’t have the Telescopic Lens 9000. How does he hope to read lips when he can’t see the subjects? We all basked in the knowledge that he will come crawling for his Job.
But that did little to solve the predicament we had found ourselves. Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie were now sending messages in rapid succession…Suddenly, moving like a panther Mr. Pitt was by Ms. Jolie’s side.
She opened her arms to him and he went into them. They held each other for what seemed liked eternity.
They both cried softly as Ms. Jolie whispered “I Love you” over and over again, while Mr. Pitt said “Thank You for giving me life”
When the image through the lenses became blurry, we realized we’d also been crying with the two. So caught up in the moment were we, we lost all sense of Objectivity.
We took a moment to compose ourselves. After reminding ourselves we had to remain cold and detached, we returned to our spying.
ALAS! Instead of the beautiful image we had been looking at, we saw something else. It was man with body built like a tank barreling his way towards us.
We did not need the Body language Expert to tell us it was time to RUN.
At that moment, we had a decision to make…Our Lives or the Telescopic Lens 9000.
Suffice to say, we are here and our Eye Language Expert WILL not be crawling back for his job anytime soon.
Without further ado, we present you with the note that had everyone who’s read it crying like a baby
Darling Angie,
There are things I’d like to say
To you my love on your special day:
I am forever thankful God sent you my way.
Like a gift from up above,
You showed me how it is to feel real love.
I know many mountains we’ve had to climb
And sometimes forever has seemed like a very long time.
Yes, we’ve endured our share of pain,
But together we have so much to gain.
Bigger mountains may lie ahead,
But together there is no hill we can not tread.
So always remember my love for you,
And there is nothing together we can not do.
I’ll be here forever - my love is true.
The person beside me, that would be you.
Brad.
*COPYRIGHT SNOOP MCSNEAKY CELEBRITY MAGAZINE*
First Mr. Pitt wrote the note….He seemed to be having a hard time expressing what he felt. After the 11th try, he got it. Then he called his Son Maddox, who had been playing on the living room with his Grandpa Pitt and Little Sister Zahara, Grandma Pitt took in the scene with love.
Mr. Pitt handed the note to Maddox, whispered something in his eyes and pointed at Ms. Jolie who had been seating on the couch with Little Shiloh in her arms.
Mr. Pitt stood at the doorway and watched with pride as his little cupid delivered the love note. Maddox handed the note to his mom.
Ms. Jolie opened the note and read it. Since Ms. Jolie had her back to us, we were unable to see her expression.
Mrs. Pitt tapped her husband on the shoulder and they both looked to Ms. Jolie’s direction.
Mrs. Pitt got up and went to Ms. Jolie. She carefully took Shiloh from Ms. Jolie. The older Mr. Pitt taking his cue from his wife picked Zahara up and beckoned for Maddox to come with.
Maddox resisted and said something to his mother…fortunately, we had our Expert Lip Reader with us, Maddox said “Mommy why are you crying?”.
Ms. Jolie, who still had her back to us, said something…fortunately, we also had our Body Language Expert there.
According to our expert, Ms. Jolie said “These are tears of happiness, sweetie. Mommy is very happy” to which Maddox replied “I love you mommy…thank you for giving me two sisters and happy birthday again”
Ms. Jolie hugged Maddox, kissed him on the head and released him. Maddox left the room with his grandparents.
Mr.Pitt and Ms. Jolie were alone in the room…although they weren’t talking, we could tell they were speaking with their eyes.
Unfortunately, Our Eye Language Expert had quit last week…after calling our magazine third rate. He went to work for In Touch Magazine but the Joke is on him…In touch is a wack magazine AND they don’t have the Telescopic Lens 9000. How does he hope to read lips when he can’t see the subjects? We all basked in the knowledge that he will come crawling for his Job.
But that did little to solve the predicament we had found ourselves. Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie were now sending messages in rapid succession…Suddenly, moving like a panther Mr. Pitt was by Ms. Jolie’s side.
She opened her arms to him and he went into them. They held each other for what seemed liked eternity.
They both cried softly as Ms. Jolie whispered “I Love you” over and over again, while Mr. Pitt said “Thank You for giving me life”
When the image through the lenses became blurry, we realized we’d also been crying with the two. So caught up in the moment were we, we lost all sense of Objectivity.
We took a moment to compose ourselves. After reminding ourselves we had to remain cold and detached, we returned to our spying.
ALAS! Instead of the beautiful image we had been looking at, we saw something else. It was man with body built like a tank barreling his way towards us.
We did not need the Body language Expert to tell us it was time to RUN.
At that moment, we had a decision to make…Our Lives or the Telescopic Lens 9000.
Suffice to say, we are here and our Eye Language Expert WILL not be crawling back for his job anytime soon.
Without further ado, we present you with the note that had everyone who’s read it crying like a baby
Darling Angie,
There are things I’d like to say
To you my love on your special day:
I am forever thankful God sent you my way.
Like a gift from up above,
You showed me how it is to feel real love.
I know many mountains we’ve had to climb
And sometimes forever has seemed like a very long time.
Yes, we’ve endured our share of pain,
But together we have so much to gain.
Bigger mountains may lie ahead,
But together there is no hill we can not tread.
So always remember my love for you,
And there is nothing together we can not do.
I’ll be here forever - my love is true.
The person beside me, that would be you.
Brad.
*COPYRIGHT SNOOP MCSNEAKY CELEBRITY MAGAZINE*
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Screaming at the Ocean
Every celebrity magazine will give their tooth and nail or in Janice Min's case, her first born child, to know what exactly happened the night little Shiloh Jolie-Pitt was born. How did her parents react? How did her grand-parents react and most of all, how Jennifer Aniston react? Well we're pleased to say that because of our innovative way...a secret we're not sharing, we Snoop Mcsneak celebrity magazine, we know exactly how it all went down.
May 28th, 2006 10:47 PM - Namibia.
An ecstatic BP calls his parents to share the good news with his parents.
"Oh wow, I’m so happy, oh baby I know this is what you’ve always wanted….Honey, you know I love you right?
And BP, sniffing, answers
"Yes Mom I know".
JP wipes a tear
"And no matter what you’ve heard, your happiness come first…you do know that right?"
BP can feel the mood change
"Yes mum, I know".
Bill Pitt seats on the kitchen island, watching the scene…He's trying hard to fight the tears that threaten to spill over. He loved his wife and children…he’d do anything in his power to make sure no harm came to them but the whole X situation had left him helpless. If it were up to him, he’d call Jennifer into his study, sit her down and then tell her point blank
"Jennifer we love you but you can’t keep doing this. You have to move on, You have a good guy…appreciate him. you two need to explore one another, lock yourself in the house and get to know each other….Alright that may not be the best idea since you love your tanning, Okay, How about this…Take a vacation together. Go to Greece, I hear they have private islands there. Get a boat, go to one of those private Islands and the moment you step off shore…throw away the keys. Trust me that will be good for us…I mean everyone involved."
Oh, He could see her nodding along with every sentence…The poor child. Speaking of children, he still couldn’t believe his son had a daughter. His son was now the father of three….the emotions started to rise again and again Bill tried to suppress it. Gosh Darn it! He couldn’t. When it comes to his children and grandchildren, Bill had no control over his emotions. The last time he cried was the day Brad called him on the phone…at first Bill thought his son was drunk but after deciphering the incoherent speech, he got what had turned his articulate son into a blubbering idiot. Angie was Pregnant. After seven years of doubts and heartache, his son now had the evidence that his…eh…little boys were not light swimmers. The pride he felt that day was the same he felt when Brad had told him he was adopting little Maddox and Zahara.
Maddox, Bill smiled and shook his head, the boy may not share the same blood as his father but here was no doubt those two shared a few traits. The first time Bill saw a photograph of little Mad sticking his tongue at Photographers, he had laughed so hard, he thought he was losing it. The day after Brad told him he was adopting the children, Bill had contacted Brad’s publicist and cajoled her into getting him the real photos of his new grandson basically telling the razzis who made his life a living nightmare to FUCK OFF. The picture now hung in his office and he had no problem showing it off.
Little Z, just like she did her father, melted his heart. She was quiet but very aware of her surroundings. She’d explore when she thought no one was looking and reach for daddy whenever she noticed the attention on her. The day Bill picked her up and she blew him a raspberry, was the day he knew the little girl could wrap him around her beautiful fingers ten times over and he’d happily succumb. Now, he had another grand daughter….can a man be any luckier? He had three children, all doing well in their careers and family life. At that very moment, watching his wife on the phone with their first child, Bill knew he could die a happy man.
“You know I may not agree with some things you do but I’ll always support you” JP continued.
“Yes Mom I do” BP answered, smiling gently. Maddox who was at his daddy feet, looked up and smiled at his dad, using is shoulder to hold the phone, BP bent over and picked Maddox. The little boy snuggled into his father….it had been a long night.
“How’s Angie?” JP asked….that was the first time she’d called her that. It had always been Angelina. BP felt the tension… a tension he didn’t know he had…. in him disappear.
“She’s fine…tired but fine. We can’t get her to get some rest”
He chuckled when he remembered how his Angel tried to get off the bed just thirty minutes after the birth. His mum laughed, Yes, she could see Angie not wanting to take a rest. She heard the clicking of the phone indicating there was someone on the other line. That would be Mama Pitt…the woman had a radar for when it came to her grandchildren and great-grand children. Even though she just heard the news, she won’t be surprised if Mama Pitt already knew.
“Hold on sweetie, your grandma is on the other line” She switched over
“Hello….”she began
“Hello, Jane! It’s me, Jennifer! I just got back to home! Now, about getting my Brad back…." a whiny shrilly voice came through the line.
Jane gave a long hiss and switched back to her son “So what were we saying…?”Meanwhile at Jennifer’s Place
“Hello…Hello?…What the Hell?…hello?”
Jennifer looked at the phone before slamming it back into the cradle…"
"Ughhhh! I know she hung up on me. There’s nothing wrong with that phone. I was just there and I checked the lines….everything and there was nothing wrong with the phone” She ranted. “okay, fine. If that’s how they want to play it… I am nothing if not persistent. Helloooooo, after three flops people expected me to quit but did I? NO! Am I? Never. Persistence pays off…” She continued to her self”
She picked up the phone, dialed and slammed it down again when she got the engaged tone. Who to call? Who to call? She didn’t want to call BP’s sister….the woman scared the hell out of her…always so put together and very confident. Jennifer always felt small next to Brad’s Sister. Nope, not going to call her. Grandmama Pitt? The woman was getting on with age. The last time saw her, the woman had looked straight at her and said
“Who are you?”
Jen had been too shocked to respond, after 7 yrs, the woman asked her who she was? When she finally composed herself, she answered
“Jennifer Mama Pitt….Brad’s wife”
Mama Pitt had picked up her newspaper and smacked Jen on the head
“You’re lying to an old woman? You think I’m stupid….I may be odl but I’m not senile yet. I know for a fact that Braddy’s wife is brunette not peroxide Blond.”
When she raised the newspaper up for another smack, Jen jumped to her feet and ran out of the room with the words
“Oh yeah, you run. Git! You imposter. Run before I….” trailing after her.
Jen rubbed her head unconsciously….Ugghhh! Old people can be so annoying. So there was no way she was calling the old woman….which left her with one option. Oh God! It really was the worst of time if the only person she could call was DP. Ughhhh! And it didn’t make it better that he knew she had been in Jail. “Chin up Jen. You can do this…You are strong, brave….everyone says so. The two Greek women she had met had the airport had told her so just today. Feeling the bravado building in her, she picked up the phone and dialed…she listened to it ring just once before going straight to the voicemail. DP’s voice came on
“Hi, you know who’s phone this is. I’m unavailable to take your call right now. If you leave a message, I’ll be sure to get back to you as soon as I get back from Namibia where my new sister in Law just had a baby. Yep, it’s party time at the Pitts. We’re gonna party like….”
Jennifer didn’t realize she had dropped the phone until she heard the clatter on the floor. She looked at the shattered phone…it was a reflection of what she felt inside.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO" she screamed. She didn’t get the relief she hoped and it was too dark to walk on the beach. She looked around her until she found what she wanted. She walked to the sink, picked up the stopper, pressed it into the sink. She turned on the water and slowly watched the kitchen sink fill up. When the water started cascading down the counter onto the kitchen floor….She took a deep breath and tried again “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Somewhere outside the house, the sound of car alarms going off and dogs barking mingled with Jen’s screams…sent the neighbors scurrying into hiding. A few houses away, a little child clung to his mom..”mommy what was that?” His mum hugged him tight…”Nothing dear”. Her husband gave her a incredulous look before looking at his son “That is the neighborhood Banshee, son”. AT DP’s House.DP looked at the phone in his hand…."She hung up…huh…I wonder why?" He hung up. He turned to find his sister and wife looking at him "What?" His Wife shook her head "So that was why you were practicing that voicemail…voice earlier?" His sister chuckled "I can’t believe she didn’t realize that was a real person"DP looked feigned shock "NO! That IS odd, Jen not getting that." The two women burst into laughter. Back at Jen’s Place“NOOOOOOOOOOO”.
She stopped and looked at the five-band ring she wears on her left middle finger — one band for each of her five best friends..”I need my friends now… I do” she reached for the phone and UGHHHHH-ed when she remembered it was broken. She went into the living room for her purse…after two seconds of digging for herself phone…she remembered she had give it to one of the Greek woman as a memento of their meeting with her. UGHHHHH! Who said generosity paid? The tension started to rise again and Jen had no choice but to do what a girl’s got to do. She ran around the house, filling all the sinks with water. At last, she stood at the center of her house and watched as the waters flowed from the different rooms….when she was ankle deep in water…She took a Deep breath and “OPRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
”If Oprah wasn’t to busy preparing for her Legend’s ball, she probably would have heard her best friend calling for her.By the way…What happened to Jen’s invitation? Did it get lost in the mail?The End…or NOT(Copyright…Huh…Yeah, what Passing Through Said)
May 28th, 2006 10:47 PM - Namibia.
An ecstatic BP calls his parents to share the good news with his parents.
"Oh wow, I’m so happy, oh baby I know this is what you’ve always wanted….Honey, you know I love you right?
And BP, sniffing, answers
"Yes Mom I know".
JP wipes a tear
"And no matter what you’ve heard, your happiness come first…you do know that right?"
BP can feel the mood change
"Yes mum, I know".
Bill Pitt seats on the kitchen island, watching the scene…He's trying hard to fight the tears that threaten to spill over. He loved his wife and children…he’d do anything in his power to make sure no harm came to them but the whole X situation had left him helpless. If it were up to him, he’d call Jennifer into his study, sit her down and then tell her point blank
"Jennifer we love you but you can’t keep doing this. You have to move on, You have a good guy…appreciate him. you two need to explore one another, lock yourself in the house and get to know each other….Alright that may not be the best idea since you love your tanning, Okay, How about this…Take a vacation together. Go to Greece, I hear they have private islands there. Get a boat, go to one of those private Islands and the moment you step off shore…throw away the keys. Trust me that will be good for us…I mean everyone involved."
Oh, He could see her nodding along with every sentence…The poor child. Speaking of children, he still couldn’t believe his son had a daughter. His son was now the father of three….the emotions started to rise again and again Bill tried to suppress it. Gosh Darn it! He couldn’t. When it comes to his children and grandchildren, Bill had no control over his emotions. The last time he cried was the day Brad called him on the phone…at first Bill thought his son was drunk but after deciphering the incoherent speech, he got what had turned his articulate son into a blubbering idiot. Angie was Pregnant. After seven years of doubts and heartache, his son now had the evidence that his…eh…little boys were not light swimmers. The pride he felt that day was the same he felt when Brad had told him he was adopting little Maddox and Zahara.
Maddox, Bill smiled and shook his head, the boy may not share the same blood as his father but here was no doubt those two shared a few traits. The first time Bill saw a photograph of little Mad sticking his tongue at Photographers, he had laughed so hard, he thought he was losing it. The day after Brad told him he was adopting the children, Bill had contacted Brad’s publicist and cajoled her into getting him the real photos of his new grandson basically telling the razzis who made his life a living nightmare to FUCK OFF. The picture now hung in his office and he had no problem showing it off.
Little Z, just like she did her father, melted his heart. She was quiet but very aware of her surroundings. She’d explore when she thought no one was looking and reach for daddy whenever she noticed the attention on her. The day Bill picked her up and she blew him a raspberry, was the day he knew the little girl could wrap him around her beautiful fingers ten times over and he’d happily succumb. Now, he had another grand daughter….can a man be any luckier? He had three children, all doing well in their careers and family life. At that very moment, watching his wife on the phone with their first child, Bill knew he could die a happy man.
“You know I may not agree with some things you do but I’ll always support you” JP continued.
“Yes Mom I do” BP answered, smiling gently. Maddox who was at his daddy feet, looked up and smiled at his dad, using is shoulder to hold the phone, BP bent over and picked Maddox. The little boy snuggled into his father….it had been a long night.
“How’s Angie?” JP asked….that was the first time she’d called her that. It had always been Angelina. BP felt the tension… a tension he didn’t know he had…. in him disappear.
“She’s fine…tired but fine. We can’t get her to get some rest”
He chuckled when he remembered how his Angel tried to get off the bed just thirty minutes after the birth. His mum laughed, Yes, she could see Angie not wanting to take a rest. She heard the clicking of the phone indicating there was someone on the other line. That would be Mama Pitt…the woman had a radar for when it came to her grandchildren and great-grand children. Even though she just heard the news, she won’t be surprised if Mama Pitt already knew.
“Hold on sweetie, your grandma is on the other line” She switched over
“Hello….”she began
“Hello, Jane! It’s me, Jennifer! I just got back to home! Now, about getting my Brad back…." a whiny shrilly voice came through the line.
Jane gave a long hiss and switched back to her son “So what were we saying…?”Meanwhile at Jennifer’s Place
“Hello…Hello?…What the Hell?…hello?”
Jennifer looked at the phone before slamming it back into the cradle…"
"Ughhhh! I know she hung up on me. There’s nothing wrong with that phone. I was just there and I checked the lines….everything and there was nothing wrong with the phone” She ranted. “okay, fine. If that’s how they want to play it… I am nothing if not persistent. Helloooooo, after three flops people expected me to quit but did I? NO! Am I? Never. Persistence pays off…” She continued to her self”
She picked up the phone, dialed and slammed it down again when she got the engaged tone. Who to call? Who to call? She didn’t want to call BP’s sister….the woman scared the hell out of her…always so put together and very confident. Jennifer always felt small next to Brad’s Sister. Nope, not going to call her. Grandmama Pitt? The woman was getting on with age. The last time saw her, the woman had looked straight at her and said
“Who are you?”
Jen had been too shocked to respond, after 7 yrs, the woman asked her who she was? When she finally composed herself, she answered
“Jennifer Mama Pitt….Brad’s wife”
Mama Pitt had picked up her newspaper and smacked Jen on the head
“You’re lying to an old woman? You think I’m stupid….I may be odl but I’m not senile yet. I know for a fact that Braddy’s wife is brunette not peroxide Blond.”
When she raised the newspaper up for another smack, Jen jumped to her feet and ran out of the room with the words
“Oh yeah, you run. Git! You imposter. Run before I….” trailing after her.
Jen rubbed her head unconsciously….Ugghhh! Old people can be so annoying. So there was no way she was calling the old woman….which left her with one option. Oh God! It really was the worst of time if the only person she could call was DP. Ughhhh! And it didn’t make it better that he knew she had been in Jail. “Chin up Jen. You can do this…You are strong, brave….everyone says so. The two Greek women she had met had the airport had told her so just today. Feeling the bravado building in her, she picked up the phone and dialed…she listened to it ring just once before going straight to the voicemail. DP’s voice came on
“Hi, you know who’s phone this is. I’m unavailable to take your call right now. If you leave a message, I’ll be sure to get back to you as soon as I get back from Namibia where my new sister in Law just had a baby. Yep, it’s party time at the Pitts. We’re gonna party like….”
Jennifer didn’t realize she had dropped the phone until she heard the clatter on the floor. She looked at the shattered phone…it was a reflection of what she felt inside.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO" she screamed. She didn’t get the relief she hoped and it was too dark to walk on the beach. She looked around her until she found what she wanted. She walked to the sink, picked up the stopper, pressed it into the sink. She turned on the water and slowly watched the kitchen sink fill up. When the water started cascading down the counter onto the kitchen floor….She took a deep breath and tried again “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Somewhere outside the house, the sound of car alarms going off and dogs barking mingled with Jen’s screams…sent the neighbors scurrying into hiding. A few houses away, a little child clung to his mom..”mommy what was that?” His mum hugged him tight…”Nothing dear”. Her husband gave her a incredulous look before looking at his son “That is the neighborhood Banshee, son”. AT DP’s House.DP looked at the phone in his hand…."She hung up…huh…I wonder why?" He hung up. He turned to find his sister and wife looking at him "What?" His Wife shook her head "So that was why you were practicing that voicemail…voice earlier?" His sister chuckled "I can’t believe she didn’t realize that was a real person"DP looked feigned shock "NO! That IS odd, Jen not getting that." The two women burst into laughter. Back at Jen’s Place“NOOOOOOOOOOO”.
She stopped and looked at the five-band ring she wears on her left middle finger — one band for each of her five best friends..”I need my friends now… I do” she reached for the phone and UGHHHHH-ed when she remembered it was broken. She went into the living room for her purse…after two seconds of digging for herself phone…she remembered she had give it to one of the Greek woman as a memento of their meeting with her. UGHHHHH! Who said generosity paid? The tension started to rise again and Jen had no choice but to do what a girl’s got to do. She ran around the house, filling all the sinks with water. At last, she stood at the center of her house and watched as the waters flowed from the different rooms….when she was ankle deep in water…She took a Deep breath and “OPRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
”If Oprah wasn’t to busy preparing for her Legend’s ball, she probably would have heard her best friend calling for her.By the way…What happened to Jen’s invitation? Did it get lost in the mail?The End…or NOT(Copyright…Huh…Yeah, what Passing Through Said)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)