Welcome to Hollywood - Three Fates

Do you believe some people have the ability to predict the future? We at Snoop McSneak Celebrity Magazine did not...until we met a man. The Happy man is what they call him and he's as much a part of Hollywood as the Hollywood Sign. He gave an exclusive look into one of his past encounters.

Welcome to Hollywood - Three Fates

By the Happy Man

16 yrs ago.

The Happy Man stood behind the little table which displayed his wares...Lucky Charms, Mantles to ward off evil, love bracelet...anything and everything dealing with the mystical. He watched the people come and go, some in hurried steps, others leisurely but all with the same dream...to take Hollywood by storm. He noticed the blond girl slowly making her way towards him and he suddenly felt uneasy. A feeling that intesified when she finally stopped in front of his table of wares.

The Happy man cleared his throat and began his chant...one he had repeated every day for the past 30yrs.

"Welcome to Hollywood! Everybody comes to Hollywood got a dream. What's your dream? What's your dream? Ay girl! Ay! What's yours girl?"

“To be a star” The words fell out her mouth before she could stop herself.

“Ay, what’s that you said girl?”

The happy man asked, not because he hadn’t heard her but because he hoped he had heard wrong. A Star?! Surely the girl who stood before him didn’t have the delusions that she could be a star. He had spent over 30 yrs on the streets of Sunset Blvd. He had seen more stars than the heavens can hold, he knew by now who had star quality and who didn’t. This one before him…Nah, he had definitely heard wrong.

“Now girl speak up, the happy man cannot hear ya…ehhh…the happy Man is a little hard on hearing” Yes that should do it.

He watched and counted the expressions on her face as it changed…Three. The girl had only three facial expressions. The happy man cleared his throat again...

“Ya, scared girl?”

She shook her head. He was getting impatient…that was not something he felt easily but she was getting on his nerves just standing there with her three facial expressions.

“Alrighty then, if ya have nothing to tell the happy man….”

“I wanna be a star!” She blurted.

Goddamn it! He hadn’t heard wrong. Now how was he to tell the girl that stood before him she had no chance in hell of becoming a star in Hollywood. He needed to buy some time...

“A star…like the…ehh….” Think! Think! He urged himself “….like the ones on the radio?”

She shook her head, aghast that we would suggest something like that. The happy man looked at her and counted…Okay four expressions.

No Radio?” he inquired innocently. This time she didn’t bother responding “No Radio. So Star….like…ehmmm…on TV?”

That was a stretch but….with four facial expressions….eh…she could still cut it as a TV star and that was it. Anything more than that….The Horror! He couldn’t even bring himself to go there. He thought and took a shuddering breath. For the first time in 30 yrs, the happy man was not so happy.

“No, I don’t wanna do TV” she responded and immediately pouted. Okay…it seemed she got that one down pat…the whiny–I deserve- Better-than-this attitude. Eh…maybe she would have a long shelf life on TV, after all. People seem to love the whiny little girl lost types on TV, personally, he didn’t see the appeal. He loved him a strong and independent woman….much like his wife, bless soul. Why, that was a woman who made all women….

“Come on…tell me, tell me” She whined and stumped her foot.

The happy man drew back, eyebrows raised. Hell No! She did not just do that?! What was she…Ten? He estimated her age to be between 20 and 23, she was built small and had a lost puppy look but that DID NOT excuse the stumping of the feet. Maybe he was reacting so strongly to her because she had interrupted him while he was thinking about his lovely wife. He composed himself and smiled…the kind of smile that said “Oh you gonna get it now Biatch”

“So what kind of star do you wanna be?” He asked"

"I wanna be a Movie Star"

The happy man hid his laughter behind a cough. A movie star? Who the hell had been fooling this poor child? A movie star? He knew this was Hollywood and weirder things had happened but this...this one....a movie star? Never!

"Honey..." Honey? He never called anyone honey, not even his dear wife...Bless her Soul. Oh his dear wife, the Loveliest woman he.....

"Sooooo? Hello.....I'm I gonna be a movie star or what?"

Gaddamit! This girl was gonna make him commit....something.

"Honey..." He began again "ya sure you don't wanna be a TV star? They make a lot of money, they are more recognized and more endeared in the hearts of millions. Why, the audience will think they know you so well, you'd be like their friend....."

He stopped, when he saw the look on her face.

"Ewwwwww TV?....Yuck!" she made gagging noises.

At that very moment, he had a very strong urge to smack her.

"What is wrong with TV?"

"Helloooo, don't you know with TV you can't be the only star? I'm gonna have to share the screen with others? Tell me one show that isn't an ensemble....I don't think so." She said, derision seeping into her voice.

Heavens, someone.....someone really bad.....evil even, had told this girl lies, Big Whoppers...that should could be more than a TV star. The happy man was too shocked for words. This girl who was supposed to be praying to her maker for a good supporting casts on a lame TV show, was rejecting the only medium that will conceal her mediocrity. Oh, now he had heard everything. He realized she was still talking

".....the Red Carpet with my husband and everyone...." Husband? Had she said husband?

"Husband?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm gonna marry a movie star and he's gonna love me and do things for me and he'll tell me I'm his queen and he....."

Oh, he could not listen to this anymore.

"And where would you meet this paragon of a man?"

He wasn't exaggerating, it would take a saint to put up with....with this. He watched with surprise as the girl gave him a very sly smile

"Oh, I have my ways..." She told him.

For the first time in 30 yrs. (Yes, the happy Man wasn't oblivious to the fact that he had a lot of firsts in the minutes he'd spent with this girl) Anyway, for the first time in 30 yrs, the happy man knew he had miscalculated. He had underestimated this girl. No, this wasn't just another slip of a girl who had dreams of becoming a star, the kind who after years of toiling to no avail, would leave Hollywood with their tails behind their legs. No, this one would do anything.....anything at all to make it in Hollywood. Suddenly, he felt sorry....not for her but anyone who made the mistake of getting in her way.

"So am I gonna be a movie star and will I marry one?"


Now that he could see her for what she really was, he saw her future clearly. Holy Moly, this girl was gonna do it! She would get the guy, the poor, poor guy and he would be a one of the good ones too. Ain't that life. The good ones always get caught by the....

"Well?" she asked impatiently.

The happy man swore to himself that if she stumped her foot, he WOULD smack her. Fortunately, she didn't, instead she flared her nostrils and swung her arms around like an octopus.

"Yes..." He began but stopped, he didn't feel right telling her this but he had no choice. People came to him for readings....they wanted know what their future held. Seeing the future was his blessing.....and now his curse.

"Yes, you'll be a star and you'll marry a Movie star" he hoped she wouldn't notice he had left out the word movie from hers. She didn't....of course she wouldn't. She was too busy jumping in glee.

"Tell me more! Tell me more!" she urged,

He had to pull back for fear her swinging arms might just come reach out smack HIM

"Well, I see friends in your future"he continued

"Oh, that's soooo believable. Everyone likes me. What else?"

"You'll be known as the girl who launched the hairstyle of the decade"

"Hmmm, I do have nice hair" she reached up and twirled hair. "Okay..more"

"You'll....you'll incite very deep feelings....oh my…!”

He stopped, took a deep breath and continued

“You’ll provoke…deep emotions in people....women....in secure women who've been hurt or rejected by men"

"Awww, Why?” she whined, then perked up “Oh, I know coz they'll be jealous of me, right? Is that it?"

"Jealous of you...?" he asked incredulously "ehhh… yeah, okay."

"Yeah, I can see that. Gosh, pathetic women make my skin crawl.” To emphasize her point, she began to scratch her arms. “I mean helloooo, don’t they know when to let go? If he doesn’t love you he doesn’t love you. Ugh!Tell me more, please tell me more!"

"You'll throw a party. A long party, it going to be known as the longest pity...ehmm...I mean party of the century"

She gasped and before he knew what hit him, she launched herself at him, he had no choice but to hug her back.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I love parties! I love parties, I am a good hostess. The best…the absolute best. Yeah and everyone will be invited….well not everyone. We don’t want to turn it into a free for all....you know what I mean. Only my dearest and closest friends will be invited…" she let him go, with a dreamy look in her eye, She started to walk away but the Happy Man stopped her.

"Eh....that'll be $10" he quickly told her.

She dipped her hand in her purse and brought out the note. He reached for it but she pulled back

"If all of these come true, I'll come find you"

The Happy man was taken aback

"Eh....there's no need for that young Miss." He said quickly.

"No, now what kinda girl will I be if I didn't...."

"Don't worry about that.....ya…eh….don't hafta come back for me" he said almost pleading now. "Yer jest go about your business....try to forget ye ever met me.....please?"

"Oh, you funny man. Of course I can't forget you." She dropped the note and sashayed across the street.

He watched her disappeared into the crowd of people....dreamers. The Happy Man slumped in his chair dejected. This was a curse, for surely if all he seen came true....which it most certainly will, there will be hell to pay and he'll be the first person writing the check. Well, he had no other choice but to run away....far away. Leave this place he had called home for 30 yrs...Oh he never thought that day would come but what else can be done......unless God took pity on him and sent divine intervention...Yes, that would work...but how...when....wher....

"Excuse me?"

He turned and his eyes landed on the loveliest pair of eyes he'd ever seen. The happy man who was known for talking non-stop, was speechless.

"Are you alright?"

She asked when he continued to stare at her. Mercy me, the man thought. That voice, the eyes, the nose but most of all the lips. Perfection thy name is....he didn't even know her name. She smiled shyly and flipped her long, dark hair.

"Are you the Happy Man?" she asked"

"I am the happy man....and getting happier by the minute"

The sound of her laughter sent a tingly sensation down his spine.

"Do ya want to know your future?" he asked.

The girl....she couldn't be more than 16, tilted her head to the side in a thoughtful gesture then shook it

"Nah, I'm cool."

What? That was a first, a young girl in Hollywood, who didn't want her future laid out.

"Why not?" he asked

"No reason" she shrugged and her long hair bounced over her shoulder "Well, I like surprises....I like spontaneity. Where is the fun in living if you have everything all planned out?"

"But...don't you want to know if you’ll be rich and famous?"

"Nope. Quel sera sera" she answered boldly

"What does that mean?"

“It means what will be will be. If destiny has a plan for you, nothing else matters."

"So you'll leave it all to fate?"

He was the one who usually answered the questions but now, he was the one seeking answers.

"Yep." She answered.

"So why did you come looking for me?"

"Huh...that's a good question. I was just walking by when I suddenly felt the urge to come here."

And at that very moment, the happy man knew. God… had heard his supplications…his wife (rest her soul) probably had a hand in it. They had sent him an Angel. This girl…well woman will be his savior. Not just his but the also the Man whom the Whiny one would ensanre. This Angel would shield them from the one who will definitely come with vengeance in her heart. Oh, but he didn’t think it was right for this girl to bear the brunt of what is to come....without a little assistance.

“Don’t you want me to tell you your future…” he pleaded

"Nope”

“Please…just a little…to be prepared….”

“huh, huh”

“You are going to be loved” he rushed “Very well loved, People will stick up for you, People will be moved by you. True Love will not be easy but it will come and when it does….”

“Stop! Please don’t tell me anymore…please.” she pleaded

The Happy Man could not take his eyes off her, she was like a rare flower surrounded by thorns and she wouldn’t take an offer of protection. Yes indeed. She was the one, the strong independent one. If there was one person who can face the Whiny one and survive it was this one. The Brave one….that’s what he’ll call her.

“Okay, no more” he relented.

“Thank you.” She replied and smiled gently.

“No, thank you.”

She gave him a puzzled look before turning away…she was leaving. He didn’t want her to leave…

“Wait!” he called. She stopped

“Yes?”

”He’s gonna love you with every fiber of his being. If you remember nothing else from this, remember that.”

“Who?”

“Your Soul mate. The Perfect guy” he said gently. She gave him a small laugh

"There is no such thing as the perfect man" She said laughing "Well only in my dreams"

"And you dreams will come true" The happy man said

She didn't hear him because she had crossed to the other side of the street. The happy man watched her disappear into the crowd of other dreamers. That one, had no idea the kind of woman she’ll be. He looked at his watch…16 yrs. Yep, In 16 yrs the world will be an audience to the fiercest battle ever, a battle between THE BRAVE AND THE WHINY. There was no doubt how it will end and who will come out on top…it was just going to take some time. His only hope was the people who supported The Brave won’t lose patience because one day, her dreams will definitely come true.

He packed up his things, glance over his shoulder…he knew she was long gone but he was hoping to catch another glimpse of her… nothing but air. He sighed and began his slow trek home.

"Welcome to Hollywood! What's your dream? Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don't - but keep on dreaming. This is Hollywood, always time to dream, so keep on dreaming!"

THE END

America's Sweetheart

Inspired by the True Hollywood Story of Jennifer Aniston - America’s Sweetheart.

Malibu, California July 4, 2007 4:12 Pm.

It’s a very beautiful day in Malibu and she was especially happy. She’d just finished watching her true Hollywood Story. She pushed open the sliding the door and walked to the deck, which over looked the beach. She spotted Vince right away…it wasn’t too hard. Only Vince would think it was cool and funny to wear a spandex instead of regular trunks.

“Ughhh!’ She groaned as she reached for her cigarette and lighter, she continued to watch him run around the beach

“Good God, if only he’ll take the fucking zone diet seriously…stupid fat soul” She muttered between puffs.

The words from the show she’s just seen a few minutes ago echoed in her head “Does not have a mean bone in her” she groaned. Jeez, who woulda thought those words would actually ring true? She chuckled, recalling the day she and her friends had prepped for that particular interview. It was a fun day…any day she spent with her girlfriends was always fun. She put out her cigarette and laid on the lounge. Her friends…her girlfriends, she didn’t understand why people always made a big deal about her having many friends. Why shouldn’t she….it was after all her duty as America’s Sweetheart to have friends.

She was the embodiment of hope for the loser girls out there….they all saw her as the all American girl, the approachable girl next door….the one they all thought could one day be their friend. She was the poster child for apple pie and lemonade….summer at the lake, popcorn and root beer at the local drive in….darn it she was America’s Sweetheart! She half expected fireworks but all she got was the sound of labored breathing. She opened her eyes to see Vince standing directly in front of her…grinning that is stupid grin of his.

“wahtchu thinking?” He asked.

She frowned and swung her leg to the floor, Reached for her cigarette and lighter again.

“C’mon…whatchu thinking?”

God, she hated that whining voice he put on when he’s trying to be cute. Some time she felt like his mother instead of his girlf…instead of his….well she felt like his mother and the last thing she wanted was to feel like anybody’s mother…let alone a grown ass man.

“Fine, you’re not gonna tell me.” And there he goes from whining to pouting. God, she could kill Brad right now. Look what he had reduced her to. She schooled her face

“I was watching E’ she stated simply.

“Oh that’s right, your whatchumacallit was on today” he said rubbing flabby stomach

“If you mean my THS….Yes it was on.” Jen answered, infusing an uppity tone into her voice

“Aw, babe why didn’t you call me? You know I like to see old footages of you….when you were…” he made a fat sign with his hands,

“And you wonder why I didn’t call you?”

She was angry…those fatty pictures of her was the only part of the show she hated, luckily she had been able to talk the producers into cutting those footages short, she urged them to use more recent footages to show her new sculpted body.

Ahhh, the power of pity, those who don’t believe in using pity to get what they wanted were fools. It was a few months after her divorce, when the Producers had approached her. She had talked…while not talking about the body insecurities, she had even suggested that it might have been the cause of her divorce and since the producer was a middle-aged divorcee with very obvious body issues, she had fallen for it…hook, line and sinker. It was all she could do not to burst out laughing…everyone thought she was stupid and weak, what they didn’t understand was it took someone with very high intelligence to play stupid and weak very well.

She looked at Vince and realized she had done it again…she had tuned him out. Tuning him out was the only way she’d survived all this months with him…it was either that or kill him and she couldn’t do the latter, she was America’s Sweetheart.

“What were you saying…baby?”

She tried to put some warmth in her voice. Baby? The only person she’d ever call baby was Brad and Vince knew that which is why she used it sometimes to boost his ego. Right on cue he smiled, his chest puffing up. Dumb ass, she thought. Men are so stupid, that four-letter endearment had put his mind at ease.

“I was just sayin’ that the neighbors….the family on the other side of the fence are having a barbecue and later on, they’ll have fireworks and They’ve invited us. I think it would be a good idea if we went” he prattled on.

She could not believe what she was hearing…neighbors? Barbecue? Invitation? Fireworks? Where the hell did he think they were…Normal, Illinois?

“Huh,,,I don’t think so.”

“Why not?’” He whine again. Okay, he was seriously beginning to get on her nerves
"
Well, let’s see …I don’t eat meat, I hate fireworks and I don’t know them” she answered impatiently.

“You don’t have to eat and we’ll leave before the fireworks and this is your chance to get to know them.”

“Vince, I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t fucking want to” She snapped.

“Well I already accepted their invite”

“Then you fucking unaccept it” They both had a staring face off…which he won because she had to look away. Looking at him in his spandex was like looking at the sun…you don’t want to look too long for fear of hurting your eyes.

“You’re not gonna come?”

“Nope” Jen answered and laid back down.

“Fine, stay here all alone and party by yourself”

“That’s what I plan to do” She watched him make his way into the house, a few minutes later; he came out in a Jeans and T-Shirt. He stopped by her chair

“Are you sur…”

“Absolutely”

“Okay but don’t upset when this hunk of love is snapped up but some gal…don’t say I didn’t warn you” he said jokingly as he caressed his chest.

She laughed not because of his joke was funny but because it was exactly what she wanted. It’s been almost two years since her last break up and the after effects of it was fading, she doubted if she’d make till the end of the year. She needed a new one….fast.

Vince smiled and came toward her.

“You know if I go alone, they’ll think we’re having problems or that you are sulking because of the pictures” he said gently.


Ah Yes the pictures of Brad and his new family romping it at the beach. Wasn’t that just All American of the she thought snidely…Daddy and son with Daddy’s friend on their power ATVs and Mummy and the girls have a little tête-à-tête under the palm trees. When she had seen the pictures…she couldn’t believe her eyes’. That freak was turning into the All American wife and Mummy. That was supposed be her goddammit….after all, America’s Sweetheart becomes America’s Mother and to top it off, that weird Blonde Chick Gwen Stefani was there…two freaks taking pictures of their babies.

When Katy (Najimy) had called her to check out the website Just Jared, she had almost fallen off her chair at the sight of the pictures. What freaking alternate universe was she in? She knew she had to act fast…luckily, she had friends whose lives revolved around her, so she was able to get them to meet at an outdoor restaurant where she was certain their pictures would be taken. It was a counter attack on her own part….every time pictures of Brad and his new family made the papers, a picture of her looking sad and lonely was sure to follow. It was the only way to keep reminding her fans that SHE was the one left behind, That it was on HER pain Brad's beautiful family (yes, she’d admit it they were beautiful) was built on and like the overweight producer from E!, they fell for it.

Again, she remembered the words from the THS show…the words she had coached her friends to say…

“She doesn’t do well alone"

"People feel the need to protect her"

"She’s probably a lot stronger than she lets on but likes the attention"

"She’ll never ever have a hard time finding a shoulder to cry on because so many women who are surer of themselves seem to feel like they should protect her."

Oh the sweet Power of Pity, She marveled again. Speaking of pity, she looked at Vince. He was still staring at her. She felt sorry for him, it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t do anything right…Brad was a very tough act to follow. She sighed and reached out for him and got rid of him the only way she knew how…

“Sweetie, the truth is, it is that time of the month for me…” she’d barely finished her sentence when he jumped to his feet., said something about being late and not wanting to be rude before dashing down the stairs like the devil was on his tail. She laughed out loud…poor Vince, women issues made him uncomfortable. She wondered how he never got women had their periods only once in month. Last month, she’d used that excuse four times and he’s fallen for it every single time.

When she was sure he wasn’t coming back, she whipped out her cell phone and dialed and waited for it to ring. Jen was excited, after the photogs had taken her pictures yesterday, she had told Steve (Huvane) to make sure they were on the blogs…especially Just Jared. She’d heard this was where the Brad’s supporters met often. Once in a while, she’d read their comments and even though she sometimes didn’t understand what they wrote because of the big words, she wished they were her fans. Ughh! The thought of the calibre fans she attracted always made her angry. They were a bunch of fucking Psychos. They never had anything intelligent to say. It was always “I love you Jen” or Jen is beautiful”…Fucking morons.

After reading the comments a couple of times, she knew she had change her strategy. Her new strategy was getting sympathy from Brad’s fan and getting rid of Psycho fans. Yep, with the former supporting her, she could reach for the stars. She tapped her feet impatiently until Kathy finally picked up the phone

“Hey” Jen greeted briskly

“Oh Jen, I just watched the THS again and you looked so beautiful I wanted to cry. You were so pretty and beautiful and so….” Jen listened as Kathy babble on and on…She never tire of hearing nice things about herself.

“I didn’t like how I looked though” she heard Kathy say…well that makes two of us Jen thought but said out loud

“Yeah, well it’s no use crying over spilt milk now is there? So what's up…what’s everyone saying?”

There was no answer on the other end of the phone, She looked at her cell and saw the timer still counting on

“Hello? Kath?”

“I’m still here” Kath answered in a thin voice.

“Sooooo…what’s the sitch? How are they responding?”

“Well” Kathy clears her throat “Right now, you’ve only had 101 comments”

Jen jumped from her chair

“What? What the hell?” she took in a deep breath “How many do they have?”

“Huh….Jen I…don’t…”

“Just fucking tell me, how many do they have?”

“On which thread?”

“What do you mean which one?”

“Well well Brad and Angie have three threads right now….”

“And….?”

“And each one has over three hundred comments”

“Are you fucking kidding me? What pictures did they put up? I told Stephen to make sure they have the ones where I looked unhappy... downright miserable.” She began to pace "I swear I’m gonna kill him. How am I supposed to get sympathy with pictures of me smiling a storm?”

“He did, he did and they did…but the thing is your fans keep saying you look beautiful and you look happy and that you have moved on”

“FUCKING MORONS!!!” Jen Yelled at the top of her voice.

Good God! Who had she offended to get idiots like this for fans?

“How can they say that? I didn’t even have make up on and we all know how I look withot makeup. I swear to god…if I had my way these idiots will be at the bottom of the lake” she took a deep breath to calm herself “Okay…we’ll move to plan B” she stated.

“Huh….I already tried that” Kathy said

“Okay… what happened?” Jen asked

“Okay Jen, you have to understand, these people are very smart”

“Just tell me what you did.” Jen Snapped

“Well, I went to their thread and started writing nasty things about Angelina, just like you taught us, I later went back supporting my earlier statement”

“Okay…okay that’s good. Did you wait until after at least seven post before writing the supporting post?”

“Yeah”

“And…?”

“They laughed at me…well I assume that’s what they meant when they write Lol, Lmao and Rotflmao. I got the last one a lot. They said I was pathetic and sad. They said really mean things to me Jen.”

“Well you can’t let that stop you now…we have to think of something else”

“Jen…I don’t think….”

“Not now Kathy, I’m thinking”

“Jen…I don’t think I wanna do this anymore ” Kathy said

Jen thought she’s had misheard

“What? What did you say?”

“It’s just that I was reading the fans comments about Angie and her best friend Holly. I don’t think she treats her they way you treat me.”

“What the hell do you know about that? I can’t even believe you are comparing me to her…you know how sensitive I am about that.” Jen exclaimed and the pouted

“I’m, Sorry Jen but..sometimes, I think you only parade me and the other girls around just to show the world you have friends”

“But you are my friends…my girlfriends”

“Yeah but…deep down I don’t think you care about how we feel, it’s like we are accessories or something”

“Not care how you feel? Didn’t I bring you those expensive chocolates from France?” Jen said trying very hard to hold on to her temper

“Yeah and you also know I’ve been trying to lose the weight”

“Oh please, you always say that but you never do.” Jen scoffed

“Jen why can’t you be more supportive? You were fat once and you lost the weight so I’d think you of all people will understand why I want to do this”

“Kathy…sweetie…honey, when I lost the weight, I was being offered roles but you’re not, so what’s the point?” She paused before continuing “Anyway, about the comments…we need a plan C”

“Jen No!” Kathy said firmly

“What do you mean no?”

“I can’t do this anymore…I…I have to find a more supporting friend”

“Oh really? And where are you gonna find one?” Jens replied.

“Well, I’ve been meaning to tell you….huh…you know my daughter likes action adventure movies”

“Shut up! You have a daughter?” Jen interrupted

“Wha….yes Jen I have a daughter and You’ve met her several times”

“No…I think I’d remember if I met your daughter”

“Jen, I brought her to your house last week.”

“What? That girl was your daughter? No wonder I didn’t know…she very pretty, imagine that.”

“Yes, imagine that.” Kathy bristled.

“Okay go on”

“My daughter’s favorite movie is Tomb Raider and last year she finally got to met Angie…they’ve been corresponding ever since. It’s been good for her to have a famous friend….

“Are you fucking kidding me? Kathy how could you? You are my best friend, which means your daughter is like my daughter and you let her communicate with the enemy?”

“My daughter is like your daughter?! The same daughter you didn’t know I had?” Kathy’s patience finally snapped “you want to talk about communicating with the enemy…I am the one communicating with the enemy. Do you know where I am right now…in the basement, the cold dreary unfinished basement. Do you know why I am here…because everybody in my house is on Team Jolie except me. I give and I give and I give but you don’t appreciate it….now I know Brad was a saint for putting up with you. We are all accessories to you Jen, the handsome husband, the wonderful friends…and you wear us like you do your Prada shoes. I’m sick and tired of it…do you know my daughter told Angie in passing that I’m trying to lose weight and Angie sent her regards... she’s never met me before and she still took time out…meanwhile my own best friend buys me a box of chocolate. I can’t take it anymore…I can’t. Jen I have to go…”

“Wait…Wait, you can’t go now, we haven’t talked about plan C”

“Oh my God, Jen didn’t you hear a word I just said?”

“You were serious about all of that? I thought you were....”

The only response Jen got was the click of the phone. She looked at her phone, the timer had stopped.

“What the hell? The bitch hung up on me!” She threw her phone on the chair and got up. She walked into the house and came back with her laptop. She had to psyche herself up before logging on to Just Jared…she found the thread she wanted and began to read. These people really like Brad and Angie…she couldn’t take it anymore, so she began to type, she wrote the words and when it was time to put a name….she wrote Colin. That would throw them off. It had worked with her fans… a few times, she had gotten Kathy to write as a man, claiming he found her attractive and he’d pick her over Angie any day. Her fans lapped it up, they always came back happy, writing things like “See, Bruce is a man and he prefers Jen to Angie”….she posted her message and waited. A few minutes later, she got her responses….Lol, lmao, Rotflmao, Sad and Pathetic. That made her very angry so she posted again, this time using hard evidence to support her claims…the readings from her Psychic Slyvie Brown. who had convinced her that Brad and Angie will break up. Jen waited a few seconds and read the response…"Lol, Lmao, Rotflmao, sucker, idiot, fool, sad and pathetic."

These were not your average fans….these were smart people. Although, she was frustrated, she was also impressed.

Why couldn’t she have fans like these?

Why couldn’t she have friends like Holly?

Why couldn’t she have the All American Family?

After all she was America’s Sweetheart!!!

No Jen. A voice in a head said…You aren’t America’s Sweetheart…You are America’s Nobody and this time there were fireworks.

The End

Flush Flush Down the Drain it Goes

We at Snoop McSneak Celebrity Magazine, pride ourselves on the length we'll go for the scoop on celebrity happenings. No matter how horrifying or dangerous...we are willing to go there, as long as our readers are entertained...which is why we didn't hesitate for a second to go into Jennifer Aniston's head on the premier night of the 10 min movie she co-directed for Glamour Magazine.

Brought to you in its truest form, are Jennifer Aniston's thoughts. Enjoy!

"Okay, Okay.....calm down. You're gonna get through this....you are America's Sweetheart. They love you" Jen tried to calm herself. Ughhhhh! She groaned, I am so stupid. Gawd! What was I saying.....

"Well, it's like...it like....a wolf in the forest.....you know, you make some choices and you have no... regret on where you are now"

The words echoed in her head again. What did that even mean? Although she had uttered the words, it didn't make sense even to her.

The question "Are you looking forward working with Meryl Streep?' had only required a very simple answer but she had gone so way off tangent, it was impossible to come back.

Jen had seen the confused look on the reporter’s eyes before she could hide it. Having no other choice, Jen slipped into the ditzy poor little girl lost act she had perfected over the years.

Her life was unraveling slowly before her eye, the house of cards she had built was slowly crumbling. Not even an appearance on the Almighty Oprah's Couch in the guise of promoting a 10min movie she had "co-directed” could help her now. As she stood on the red carpet, posing for the press, Jen half expected someone to jump out of the crowd and start screaming "Fraud....Jen you are a fraud".

Deep down, she knew it wasn't that far-fetch....after all here she was being credited as a "co-director" when it was her friend, Andrea who had all the work. She still wasn't sure how Stephen had convinced Andrea to her share billing as co-director. Her relationship with her publicist was on a "don't ask, don't tell basis."

For instance, she would love to know how he had convinced Vince to make a big deal about suing the British rags which claimed he was cheating on her. She actually got a chuckle out of that....technically, it was the truth. After all cheating on a person implied you had a relationship with them. Of course it wasn't for lack of trying....on his part.

In the beginning Vince had tried in every which way to get her in bed but the thought of having that flabby body on hers.....after 3yrs with a man like Brad Pitt, was a total turn off. At first, she had rebuffed him gently, claiming she was still hurting from her divorce (Ha...as if!) but Vince wasn't hearing any of that....why, it had made him even more determined to get her in bed.

"Jen, just give me a chance and I'll make you forget Brad"

Thank God for her average acting skills because it saved her from bursting into laughter. Make her forget Brad? Vince thinks he can make her forget Brad? Vince and Brad.....even their names showed the difference in the men. Vince was a name for the guy who parked you car, who mowed your lawn.....that was Vince and Brad....well Brad was just Brad. Jen schooled her face and patted him gently on the cheek.

"I'm sure you can...." She replied.

He had looked so pleased and it was then it dawned on Jen that it wasn't about her, it was about Brad. Vince wanted to prove himself to be and if not better than Brad. Well, if he thought he was going to use her to prove his manhood, he was mistaken. In all her relationships....there was only one user and that was her.

Jen was brought out of her reverie by the mic jutting under her chin. She blinked rapidly and focused on the reporter. This time, the woman didn't bother hiding the look of slight irritation on her face, a look that said "what in the world am I doing interview this nitwit with nothing interesting to say?".... It was a look Jen had grown accustomed to and this is why she hated dealing with the press. Jen cleared her throat and asked her to repeat the question. The reporter did not bother to conceal the edge in her voice.

"What was it that touched you about this particular story? Why of all the stories turned in, did you pick this one?"

"Well" Jen began trying to gather her thoughts "the dynamics.....you know the.....wife is dying and the husband won't leave the room"

"Oh the metaphor for relationships" the reported interjected "...the dying wife represents a dying relationship and the husband refusing to leave the room represents the hard work involved.....to keep working at it?"

Whoa! Jen thought, well that made a whole lot of sense and to think she was just going to give a brief synopsis of the movie. When she realized the reporter was still waiting for her response, Jen quickly answered

"Yes, Yes that's exactly it. I mean...that's exactly what I was gonna say" and just like that, Jen claimed that insight metaphor as hers” and you know....with my own....well you know, it really spoke to me"

When the reporter smiled gently, Jen knew it had work. Yep, she'd perfected the art of talking about IT without talking about IT. Compassion sipped into the woman's eyes and Jen watched with satisfaction as she went from Hard-nosed reporter to a woman who understood the pain of rejection.

"Well....enjoy your day, Jen. You deserve it." She said bringing the interview to an end.

Jen thought the moment deserved a perfect ending and so she blinked rapidly....another one of her signature moves, this signified that Jen was trying to hold back the tears. The reporter handed her mic to cameraman and took Jen in her arms

"You're so brave" she whispered softly before letting her go.

"Thank you" Jen replied and for the grand finale, she flipped her hair and sniffed.

As she walked into the auditorium, she gave herself a mental pat. Well, that was something at least. Her house of cards maybe crumbling (thanks to Janice Min) but she still knew how to shuffle the sympathy cards.


20 mins later, Jen was bowing to a room of people giving her a standing ovation. They loved the movie! They did.....although she had absolutely nothing to do with the movie; Jen did not feel the least bit guilty for taking the accolades thrown at her. People walking up to her, telling her she had done a wonderful work as the director....why would she give feel guilty about that? She looked over the shoulders of her well wishers and saw Andrea standing in the corner. Their eyes met and Jen sent her friend a small smile, Andrea did not return it. Instead, she turned and walked out of the room.

Sheesh! What's her problem; it's only a freaking 10mins movie for glamour magazine. Jen thought, why... Andrea should be grateful to her. It was because of Jen, Andrea was on Oprah.....as if Oprah would ever invite her to the show. Please, if Andrea was upset, that was her problem. Jen thought, as she shook another hand. She deserved to be here!

A few minutes later, Jen looked at her watch; it was time to go check her make up. She had used a new foundation that made her features look smaller....it also meant she had to keep applying it every hour.

Jen made her way to the bathroom and breathed a sigh of relief because there was no one else in there. She stood in front of the mirror and suddenly started tap dancing "I'm a director, I'm a director" she chanted giddily. Yep, she was making her way into Hollywood elite. Take that Brad! Take that Angelina! Take that Janice freaking Min. I got the world at my feet, she thought as she pumped her fist in the air....like Tom Cruise.

Humming the tune of "sweet, sweet revenge" Jen walked into one of the stalls to relieve herself of the 2 bottles of Vodka and lime she had before coming to the premier. As the stall doors closed behind her, the doors to the bathroom opened and two women entered. They were talking.....Jen smiled when she heard what they were saying...awww, they were talking about her.

"To be honest, I was skeptical. I didn't think she would be able to pull it off but from what I've heard so far.....she blew everyone out of the water"

"I know what you mean....I thought it was a very bold move and it's paying off."

"Some women are just lucky. Winterbottom says she is so good, she makes him cry"

In the stall, Jen's smile changed to a frown. Winterbottom? Why did that name sound familiar?


"Oh you should hear him in that British accent of his....Jolie is just amazing! I just let the camera roll and she does her thing" the women laugh


"You know she's signed up for Atlas shrug"

"Wow, that's a meaty role. Oh...oh....I heard the cutest thing....okay, apparently to help prepare her for her role, Brad plays the mandolin to Angie."


"Awwww.....that is just the cutest. He is romantic"


"I know.....Seriously, Angie is lucky. Her family...her work, Brad. It doesn't get better than that. Who says you can't have it all?"

There was a moment of silence as both women applied their make up. Jen remained frozen in the stall. She didn't want to call attention to herself.


"So where are you off to?"

"I don't know.....you wanna go to the after party?"


"Sure why not, but first I gotta go tell Jen that crappy 10 mins movie she did was just divine dar-ling" the women laughed again and the first woman continued

"Seriously....who co-directs a ten minute movie?" they laughed as they made their way to the door.

In the stall, Jen slowly got up, unfortunately, the toilet was one of those equipped with sensors, and suddenly, a loud flushing noise filled the bathroom. Jen wince and began fanning the bowl with her hand as if to keep it down. The women stopped.


"Oh my God! someone was in there all this time?" one of them exclaimed.

"Hiding and eavesdropping?"


"Do you think it's somebody...Somebody?"


"Oh please....only a nobody will do that. It's probably the bathroom cleaners. I think there's a rule about them staying out of sight when celebs use the bathroom"

"Oh, okay" the other lady replied in relief.

"Come on, let's get out of here".

Jen waited until she heard their footsteps fading away. She could hardly believe it....today was her day, she was supposed to be happy. Once again, Brad and Angie had ruined things for her....she stomped her feet like a child. She hated them! She hated them! She thought as she stomped harder. So caught up in her anger was she, she failed to notice the ply of tissue on the floor, so when her feet came barreling down, she stepped on the tissue, causing her to fall head long into the toilet bowl. The automatic sensor went off, and Jen felt a rush of cold water dripping down her head, she could see the water moving in circles down the drain and this time, she didn't need a reporter for the metaphor of what she was witness....Yep, she got it. She was watching her life flushed down the toilet.

The End.