Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Getting Married!!!!

A Snoop McSneak Exclusive!!!!
By Head Snoop McSneak

After three years and thousands of magazine cover (thankfully none from us) rumors abound that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are finally getting married.

The wedding which is termed “Wedding of The Century “ by one of our less than stellar competitors Life and Style will take place in George Clooney’s Lake Como estate.

No! No! rebuts In Touch Weekly, the wedding would be in Paris to honor Jolie’s French mother.

Liars! Star’s headline screams they have it on good authority that the wedding will take place on an African Beach with a Voodoo Priest (Star Magazine didn’t say if it was the same Voodoo priest who gave Jolie the charms to snag Pitt from Poor wittle. . .err…we mean Ms, Aniston). The African Ceremony would have the couple wearing nothing but African wrappers and Jolie would have a tiara made of leaves on her head. They would Dance around a burning fire 14 times while chanting an African Prayer which loosely translated means “We hope the Fanistons get swallowed up by the oceans the scream at every time there’s good news for us”.

Of course, not to be left out in the giving exclusive of wedding information,

The National Enquirer calls BS on all the other tabloid accounts. It claims Pal Tom Cruise has generously offered the couple his spaceship, where they can get married in the Privacy of Pluto. Sources tell us that he also had them promise they’ll have L Ron Hubbard disguised as Xenu officiates and Tom Cruise gets to have the first kiss with the Groom.

As for how the ceremony will go, NL's sources tells us that instead of Jolie walking down the aisle to the traditional wedding march, she’ll twirl down the aisle with the theme songs of all Tom Cruise’s movie playing in the background, while he (Cruise) jumps up and down on a replica of Oprah chair.

Of course Janice Min and US Weekly are edging their bets with the headline “Pitt and Jolie, getting married? (As if a Question mark at the end of a sentence makes it less false)

Anyway, all the ridiculous headline aside, one has to wonder why after all these years and as we mentioned, thousands of tabloid covers, did the Jolie-Pitt decide to make it legal?

Did they get tired of all the claims that they were getting married and breaking up while having twins all at the same time?

Did they go “Oh eff, this, these Aholes won’t leave us alone and we aren’t getting any younger, so we might as well do it?”

Or maybe after 4 children and 2 (?) more on the way, they felt their relationship had gone past the dating stage and it was time to get married?

No, not according to our eavesdropping competitors (we wonder what kind of bugs they are using, we might have to look into that in order to remain in the game). So yeah, According to Life and Style or was it In Touch weekly, pardon us but they are both bottom feeders so it’s really hard to distinguish, 6 yrs old Maddox with the support of his younger siblings 4 yrs old Pax, 3 yrs old Zee and 22 month old Shiloh, sat their parents down and he a stern but loving voice gave them an ultimatum and that’s how far their story goes. (Ha! The Hacks, why they don’t just pack up shop and leave the tabloid story to us is a mystery)

As always, Snoop McSneak Celebrity Magazine has managed to get the real details behind the scene in the JP household.

It was a fine day in Texas, Brad Pitt was going through his line for his latest movie while Angelina Jolie was flipping through some baby magazines trying to figure out what color she wanted the new nursery. She grimaced slightly when she came across J.Lo’s garishly designed nursery but thought to herself “to each his own”.

They were interrupted when the door opened and their four children walked in…well 3 walked in, the fourth was being carried by her oldest brother. Jolie shook her head and smiled, Shiloh had her brothers and father wrapped around her little fingers, she only walked when she wanted to. Pitt put his script down immediately and lean forward in his chair.

“What’s up guys?” he asked smiling. He thought he knew what they wanted…after all he had promised them they would go sight seeing later on in the day.

Without any preamble, Maddox said ”You two better get married or we’re out of here”
At first Jolie and Pitt laughed but the look on Zahara’s face. . .much like the look she gives the paparazzi who constantly interrupt her shopping and play dates, convinced Jolie and Pitt this was no joking matter.

Pax said he was prepared to start taking off his clothes and jumping in the shower, like he used to do when he first joined the family, if that was what it take to get his parent married.

Little shi, who had already learnt to art of saying a lot without saying a word from big sister, turned her beautiful lips down and batted her big blue eyes as if to keep from crying, Jolie who couldn’t bear the thought of her children being upset was ready to agree when Pitt, who dismayed yet proud of his wheeling and dealing children, decided to call of their bluff.

“Oh really?” he said….err….we mean our sources tell us he said “And where exactly will you go to if we don’t toe the line?”

It was like the children were ready for the question because they all looked at Maddox, who with chest puffed answered

“We’ll move in with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn”

“Jennifer Aniston and Paul the model” Zee Corrected her oldest brother

“Okay, guys I might be new to this whole thing but isn’t it Jason Lewis?” Pax added with a frown on his face.

“No! No! Big birrrrd, big birrrrd” Shiloh chanted pointing at her favorite toy. . .with a crooked nose.

“You mean Owen Wilson?” Maddox asked and Shiloh nodded.

“Nah, I don’t think so. . .what about that guy Orlando Bloom” Zee replied.

“Orlando Bloom?!! When did this happen” Maddox asked exasperated…Man! Jennifer Aniston and her many boyfriends sure were making it hard to give his parents an ultimatum. They probably should have done more research before bring this up, Maddox thought (luckily our mind reading expert was on duty that day we had access to everything everyone was thinking) Well we just blew it, Maddox though at he watched his siblings argue amongst themselves on the latest Aniston arm candy…who would have thought someone who was supposed to be America’s sweetheart would go through all these men in a short period of time. Jolie and Pitt smiled indulgently as they watch their children bicker

“You know you can help them out by telling them who her new guy is” Jolie whispered to Pitt.

“And how in the world am I supposed to know that? The woman does not exist for me, sometimes I barely remember was married to her”

Maddox could not hear what his parents were saying but the smile on their faces told him if he didn’t take desperate measures. . .their bluff would be called off. Clearing his throat, much like his father did when he was ready to make an announcement, Maddox said

“If you don’t get married we are moving in with Jennifer Aniston and the Arquettes’

"Now look here young man….” Pitt began but stopped when Jolie held her stomach and winced. “Honey, are you okay” he asked as he rushed to her side all the children surrounded their mom.

“Darling, I think we should do as they say because I don’t think the baby is in favor of growing up with the threesome”

“You mean Aniston and the Arquettes? Pitt asked a little confused

“Ouch! Stop saying the names. . .the baby is trembling in fear”

With a sigh of resignation. . .Pitt agreed to a wedding.

Yes!!! All the children yelled. .. “We gonna have so much cake”

It was then Pitt and Jolie knew they had been had. Their kids didn’t care if they were married or not…they knew mommy and daddy loved each other with or without a government sanctioned paper. They did this just for the cake because contrary to what they tabloids and stupid hater Fanistons pretending to be concerned about what the children eat, thought the JP kids rarely eat junk food.

Pitt and Jolie shook their heads and laughed. . .they were indeed raising smart kids

A Snoop McSneak Exclusive

Snoop McSneak’s sit down with Leslie Bennett and an exclusive sneak peek into her latest interview with African Girl or in Ms. Bennett’s words, the latest member of the dumped women Association

After her last big Interview in 2005, Ms Leslie Bennett took a long hiatus from Vanity fair. Some say it’s because the interview was the biggest crap ever written. One industry insider put it like this “After reading that garbage, I wasn’t sure who Brad Pitt had dumped…Leslie or Jen” Another insider added “Yeah, what happened to remaining objective? Obviously Leslie sees herself as the champion of dumped women everywhere”. Ms. Bennett dismisses the allegations that she was unfair to Ms. Jolie and insists she remained objective

“I don’t know what everyone is talking about. I was very focused on my objective...which was to show the reason women like me hate beautiful, sexy exciting women with hearts of Gold and why men love them. It’s unfair to us homely girls…it’s not our fault we’re not exciting or that we prefer drinking margaritas on the porch of our beach house to going to Africa or Iraq on humanitarian trips."

As for her long absence from Vanity Fair, Ms. Bennett insists it’s because she hasn’t found a worthy subject to write about…since her last interview and she’d rather take a break from writing than write fluff like some of her colleagues.

“I see all the other magazine devoting pages to Humanitarians and trying to highlight the plights of refugees and it saddens me. This is not what we are about…we have millionaires going through divorce here in the US and my colleagues would rather waste time and money writing about AIDS/HIV children. It’s appalling” She said in disgust.

Asked if she had anything in the works, Ms. Bennett smiled coyly and answered…

"As a matter of fact, I do. Have you heard that George Clooney is getting married?” we had not but we pretended to.

“Oh yeah, to that African Chick…what’s her name African Girl”.

“No, To a Sarah Larsen” Ms. Bennett answered giddily.

Sarah Larsen? We tried to place a face to name but we came up short.

“You’re wondering what happened to African Girl” She asked barely containing her excitement “Well you’re going to find out soon because I just to interviewed her”

“Really? Her?” We couldn’t help the surprise in our voice. Last we heard African Girl or AG as she’s fondly called by closed friends wasn’t a celebrity. As a matter of fact, according to her last bank statement (don’t ask us how we got a hold of it) she didn’t even have up to a thousand dollars. So why would Ms. Bennett, the champion of Millionaire divorcees everywhere, talk to this her? We never got an answer…what we did get however, was a sneak peek at the explosive interview.

THE UNSINKABLE AFRICAN GIRL

The whole world watched as her "perfect" non-relationship fell apart. Only her closest friends knew what really happened. Now, in African Girl's first interview since she split from George Clooney, she spills her heart, and some tears, to Vanity Fair, sharing her shock and confusion over Clooney's liaison with Sarah Larsen, her desire for a real relationship with Clooney, and her deep, conflicting emotions (anger, hurt, exasperation, tenderness) toward the man she still loves.


by Leslie Bennetts March 2008

When African Girl opens the door to the village hut she's been holed up in lately, she gives me a radiant smile and an effusive hello.

Then she bursts into tears.

We have scarcely sat down in the living room, a serene little haven simply furnished with cushy straw chairs, and fake flowers and lanterns, when her face crumples. She is instantly aghast.

"I haven't been feeling emotional lately, really I haven't," she wails, fluttering her hands like someone batting away mosquitoes.

Other than the 3 African Tigers guarding her safety, African Girl is all alone in the modest hut where she has camped out while dealing with the end of her non-relationship to George Clooney—and its devastating aftermath, which has been far worse than the actual split. The last few months have brought an endless nightmare of hurtful headlines about her soon-to-be-ex-dream lover, along with blatantly lack of stories about herself, in the tabloids and supermarket gossip magazines. And being left alone by the rabid paparazzi she refers to as "ratzies," despite her obvious attempts to get noticed.


"It was extremely hurtful to AG that he was seen with another woman so quickly after they were separated," says Guli, the mayor of Bampzsville, who has been one of African Girl’s closest friends since they started blogging on Just Jared.

For the [blank] year-old African Girl, who had expected to spend the past year stalking Clooney and hoping he’d finally notice her, the pain of watching this spectacle unfold was compounded by the fact that no one knows she exists.


The sting of her anonymity makes her face darkens. "A man stalking a woman, hoping to have a family with her, would make headlines" she says. "That really pissed me off. I've never in my life put this much effort in something. I wanted George. I did and I do and I will! The women that inspire me are the ones who haven’t let the fear of being arrested for stalking, stop them from doing it; why would I want to limit myself? I've always wanted to stalk, and I would never give up that experience for a career. I want to have it all."


African Girl's intimates (Alexanderina and Estelle) note acidly that Clooney could have done more to help African Girl’s stalking easier, which reinforced the impression that he didn’t know she existed or that she wanted to marry him and now he was engaged to be married to Sarah lersen. To some, this looks like sheer hypocrisy.

"When African Girl’s fixation on George first began, getting married was not his priority—ever," says Passing Through, one of AG's friend, who didn't bother hiding her disgust for Clooney "It was an abstract desire for him, whereas for AG, it was much more immediate."

So is there a part of George that's diabolical? Did he think, I need to get married, but I want to do it with someone I know as opposed to someone I’ve never met, so I'm going to let African Girl be cast as the ultra-crazy stalker she is and I'm going to get cast as the clueless celebrity who had no idea she even exists?” We’ll never know the answer to that

All African Girl wants now is to figure out what happened; how did the happy life she'd fantasize about drift so far off course? Everything changed on Feb 24th, when photographs broke of George and Sarah frolicking on the red carpet during Oscars. "The world was shocked, and I was shocked," she says, still bending over backward not to excoriate her ex dream lover.

But to say that this news was like pouring salt in the wound would understate its impact considerably; how about pouring molten lava into the hole where somebody ripped your heart out?

African Girl still has faith in the redeeming power of love itself. "It's out there," she says. "It will happen. There's an amazing man that's wandering the streets right now who's the father of my children. In five years I hope to have stalked him, gotten him to notice me and be married and have a kid. I still believe in stalking 100 percent. When I hear people say that they would never do it again, it's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Why would you ever close your heart down?"

She gives me a sheepish smile. "Maybe it's a fairy tale, but I believe in happily ever after."