Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Getting Married!!!!

A Snoop McSneak Exclusive!!!!
By Head Snoop McSneak

After three years and thousands of magazine cover (thankfully none from us) rumors abound that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are finally getting married.

The wedding which is termed “Wedding of The Century “ by one of our less than stellar competitors Life and Style will take place in George Clooney’s Lake Como estate.

No! No! rebuts In Touch Weekly, the wedding would be in Paris to honor Jolie’s French mother.

Liars! Star’s headline screams they have it on good authority that the wedding will take place on an African Beach with a Voodoo Priest (Star Magazine didn’t say if it was the same Voodoo priest who gave Jolie the charms to snag Pitt from Poor wittle. . .err…we mean Ms, Aniston). The African Ceremony would have the couple wearing nothing but African wrappers and Jolie would have a tiara made of leaves on her head. They would Dance around a burning fire 14 times while chanting an African Prayer which loosely translated means “We hope the Fanistons get swallowed up by the oceans the scream at every time there’s good news for us”.

Of course, not to be left out in the giving exclusive of wedding information,

The National Enquirer calls BS on all the other tabloid accounts. It claims Pal Tom Cruise has generously offered the couple his spaceship, where they can get married in the Privacy of Pluto. Sources tell us that he also had them promise they’ll have L Ron Hubbard disguised as Xenu officiates and Tom Cruise gets to have the first kiss with the Groom.

As for how the ceremony will go, NL's sources tells us that instead of Jolie walking down the aisle to the traditional wedding march, she’ll twirl down the aisle with the theme songs of all Tom Cruise’s movie playing in the background, while he (Cruise) jumps up and down on a replica of Oprah chair.

Of course Janice Min and US Weekly are edging their bets with the headline “Pitt and Jolie, getting married? (As if a Question mark at the end of a sentence makes it less false)

Anyway, all the ridiculous headline aside, one has to wonder why after all these years and as we mentioned, thousands of tabloid covers, did the Jolie-Pitt decide to make it legal?

Did they get tired of all the claims that they were getting married and breaking up while having twins all at the same time?

Did they go “Oh eff, this, these Aholes won’t leave us alone and we aren’t getting any younger, so we might as well do it?”

Or maybe after 4 children and 2 (?) more on the way, they felt their relationship had gone past the dating stage and it was time to get married?

No, not according to our eavesdropping competitors (we wonder what kind of bugs they are using, we might have to look into that in order to remain in the game). So yeah, According to Life and Style or was it In Touch weekly, pardon us but they are both bottom feeders so it’s really hard to distinguish, 6 yrs old Maddox with the support of his younger siblings 4 yrs old Pax, 3 yrs old Zee and 22 month old Shiloh, sat their parents down and he a stern but loving voice gave them an ultimatum and that’s how far their story goes. (Ha! The Hacks, why they don’t just pack up shop and leave the tabloid story to us is a mystery)

As always, Snoop McSneak Celebrity Magazine has managed to get the real details behind the scene in the JP household.

It was a fine day in Texas, Brad Pitt was going through his line for his latest movie while Angelina Jolie was flipping through some baby magazines trying to figure out what color she wanted the new nursery. She grimaced slightly when she came across J.Lo’s garishly designed nursery but thought to herself “to each his own”.

They were interrupted when the door opened and their four children walked in…well 3 walked in, the fourth was being carried by her oldest brother. Jolie shook her head and smiled, Shiloh had her brothers and father wrapped around her little fingers, she only walked when she wanted to. Pitt put his script down immediately and lean forward in his chair.

“What’s up guys?” he asked smiling. He thought he knew what they wanted…after all he had promised them they would go sight seeing later on in the day.

Without any preamble, Maddox said ”You two better get married or we’re out of here”
At first Jolie and Pitt laughed but the look on Zahara’s face. . .much like the look she gives the paparazzi who constantly interrupt her shopping and play dates, convinced Jolie and Pitt this was no joking matter.

Pax said he was prepared to start taking off his clothes and jumping in the shower, like he used to do when he first joined the family, if that was what it take to get his parent married.

Little shi, who had already learnt to art of saying a lot without saying a word from big sister, turned her beautiful lips down and batted her big blue eyes as if to keep from crying, Jolie who couldn’t bear the thought of her children being upset was ready to agree when Pitt, who dismayed yet proud of his wheeling and dealing children, decided to call of their bluff.

“Oh really?” he said….err….we mean our sources tell us he said “And where exactly will you go to if we don’t toe the line?”

It was like the children were ready for the question because they all looked at Maddox, who with chest puffed answered

“We’ll move in with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn”

“Jennifer Aniston and Paul the model” Zee Corrected her oldest brother

“Okay, guys I might be new to this whole thing but isn’t it Jason Lewis?” Pax added with a frown on his face.

“No! No! Big birrrrd, big birrrrd” Shiloh chanted pointing at her favorite toy. . .with a crooked nose.

“You mean Owen Wilson?” Maddox asked and Shiloh nodded.

“Nah, I don’t think so. . .what about that guy Orlando Bloom” Zee replied.

“Orlando Bloom?!! When did this happen” Maddox asked exasperated…Man! Jennifer Aniston and her many boyfriends sure were making it hard to give his parents an ultimatum. They probably should have done more research before bring this up, Maddox thought (luckily our mind reading expert was on duty that day we had access to everything everyone was thinking) Well we just blew it, Maddox though at he watched his siblings argue amongst themselves on the latest Aniston arm candy…who would have thought someone who was supposed to be America’s sweetheart would go through all these men in a short period of time. Jolie and Pitt smiled indulgently as they watch their children bicker

“You know you can help them out by telling them who her new guy is” Jolie whispered to Pitt.

“And how in the world am I supposed to know that? The woman does not exist for me, sometimes I barely remember was married to her”

Maddox could not hear what his parents were saying but the smile on their faces told him if he didn’t take desperate measures. . .their bluff would be called off. Clearing his throat, much like his father did when he was ready to make an announcement, Maddox said

“If you don’t get married we are moving in with Jennifer Aniston and the Arquettes’

"Now look here young man….” Pitt began but stopped when Jolie held her stomach and winced. “Honey, are you okay” he asked as he rushed to her side all the children surrounded their mom.

“Darling, I think we should do as they say because I don’t think the baby is in favor of growing up with the threesome”

“You mean Aniston and the Arquettes? Pitt asked a little confused

“Ouch! Stop saying the names. . .the baby is trembling in fear”

With a sigh of resignation. . .Pitt agreed to a wedding.

Yes!!! All the children yelled. .. “We gonna have so much cake”

It was then Pitt and Jolie knew they had been had. Their kids didn’t care if they were married or not…they knew mommy and daddy loved each other with or without a government sanctioned paper. They did this just for the cake because contrary to what they tabloids and stupid hater Fanistons pretending to be concerned about what the children eat, thought the JP kids rarely eat junk food.

Pitt and Jolie shook their heads and laughed. . .they were indeed raising smart kids