Flush Flush Down the Drain it Goes

We at Snoop McSneak Celebrity Magazine, pride ourselves on the length we'll go for the scoop on celebrity happenings. No matter how horrifying or dangerous...we are willing to go there, as long as our readers are entertained...which is why we didn't hesitate for a second to go into Jennifer Aniston's head on the premier night of the 10 min movie she co-directed for Glamour Magazine.

Brought to you in its truest form, are Jennifer Aniston's thoughts. Enjoy!

"Okay, Okay.....calm down. You're gonna get through this....you are America's Sweetheart. They love you" Jen tried to calm herself. Ughhhhh! She groaned, I am so stupid. Gawd! What was I saying.....

"Well, it's like...it like....a wolf in the forest.....you know, you make some choices and you have no... regret on where you are now"

The words echoed in her head again. What did that even mean? Although she had uttered the words, it didn't make sense even to her.

The question "Are you looking forward working with Meryl Streep?' had only required a very simple answer but she had gone so way off tangent, it was impossible to come back.

Jen had seen the confused look on the reporter’s eyes before she could hide it. Having no other choice, Jen slipped into the ditzy poor little girl lost act she had perfected over the years.

Her life was unraveling slowly before her eye, the house of cards she had built was slowly crumbling. Not even an appearance on the Almighty Oprah's Couch in the guise of promoting a 10min movie she had "co-directed” could help her now. As she stood on the red carpet, posing for the press, Jen half expected someone to jump out of the crowd and start screaming "Fraud....Jen you are a fraud".

Deep down, she knew it wasn't that far-fetch....after all here she was being credited as a "co-director" when it was her friend, Andrea who had all the work. She still wasn't sure how Stephen had convinced Andrea to her share billing as co-director. Her relationship with her publicist was on a "don't ask, don't tell basis."

For instance, she would love to know how he had convinced Vince to make a big deal about suing the British rags which claimed he was cheating on her. She actually got a chuckle out of that....technically, it was the truth. After all cheating on a person implied you had a relationship with them. Of course it wasn't for lack of trying....on his part.

In the beginning Vince had tried in every which way to get her in bed but the thought of having that flabby body on hers.....after 3yrs with a man like Brad Pitt, was a total turn off. At first, she had rebuffed him gently, claiming she was still hurting from her divorce (Ha...as if!) but Vince wasn't hearing any of that....why, it had made him even more determined to get her in bed.

"Jen, just give me a chance and I'll make you forget Brad"

Thank God for her average acting skills because it saved her from bursting into laughter. Make her forget Brad? Vince thinks he can make her forget Brad? Vince and Brad.....even their names showed the difference in the men. Vince was a name for the guy who parked you car, who mowed your lawn.....that was Vince and Brad....well Brad was just Brad. Jen schooled her face and patted him gently on the cheek.

"I'm sure you can...." She replied.

He had looked so pleased and it was then it dawned on Jen that it wasn't about her, it was about Brad. Vince wanted to prove himself to be and if not better than Brad. Well, if he thought he was going to use her to prove his manhood, he was mistaken. In all her relationships....there was only one user and that was her.

Jen was brought out of her reverie by the mic jutting under her chin. She blinked rapidly and focused on the reporter. This time, the woman didn't bother hiding the look of slight irritation on her face, a look that said "what in the world am I doing interview this nitwit with nothing interesting to say?".... It was a look Jen had grown accustomed to and this is why she hated dealing with the press. Jen cleared her throat and asked her to repeat the question. The reporter did not bother to conceal the edge in her voice.

"What was it that touched you about this particular story? Why of all the stories turned in, did you pick this one?"

"Well" Jen began trying to gather her thoughts "the dynamics.....you know the.....wife is dying and the husband won't leave the room"

"Oh the metaphor for relationships" the reported interjected "...the dying wife represents a dying relationship and the husband refusing to leave the room represents the hard work involved.....to keep working at it?"

Whoa! Jen thought, well that made a whole lot of sense and to think she was just going to give a brief synopsis of the movie. When she realized the reporter was still waiting for her response, Jen quickly answered

"Yes, Yes that's exactly it. I mean...that's exactly what I was gonna say" and just like that, Jen claimed that insight metaphor as hers” and you know....with my own....well you know, it really spoke to me"

When the reporter smiled gently, Jen knew it had work. Yep, she'd perfected the art of talking about IT without talking about IT. Compassion sipped into the woman's eyes and Jen watched with satisfaction as she went from Hard-nosed reporter to a woman who understood the pain of rejection.

"Well....enjoy your day, Jen. You deserve it." She said bringing the interview to an end.

Jen thought the moment deserved a perfect ending and so she blinked rapidly....another one of her signature moves, this signified that Jen was trying to hold back the tears. The reporter handed her mic to cameraman and took Jen in her arms

"You're so brave" she whispered softly before letting her go.

"Thank you" Jen replied and for the grand finale, she flipped her hair and sniffed.

As she walked into the auditorium, she gave herself a mental pat. Well, that was something at least. Her house of cards maybe crumbling (thanks to Janice Min) but she still knew how to shuffle the sympathy cards.


20 mins later, Jen was bowing to a room of people giving her a standing ovation. They loved the movie! They did.....although she had absolutely nothing to do with the movie; Jen did not feel the least bit guilty for taking the accolades thrown at her. People walking up to her, telling her she had done a wonderful work as the director....why would she give feel guilty about that? She looked over the shoulders of her well wishers and saw Andrea standing in the corner. Their eyes met and Jen sent her friend a small smile, Andrea did not return it. Instead, she turned and walked out of the room.

Sheesh! What's her problem; it's only a freaking 10mins movie for glamour magazine. Jen thought, why... Andrea should be grateful to her. It was because of Jen, Andrea was on Oprah.....as if Oprah would ever invite her to the show. Please, if Andrea was upset, that was her problem. Jen thought, as she shook another hand. She deserved to be here!

A few minutes later, Jen looked at her watch; it was time to go check her make up. She had used a new foundation that made her features look smaller....it also meant she had to keep applying it every hour.

Jen made her way to the bathroom and breathed a sigh of relief because there was no one else in there. She stood in front of the mirror and suddenly started tap dancing "I'm a director, I'm a director" she chanted giddily. Yep, she was making her way into Hollywood elite. Take that Brad! Take that Angelina! Take that Janice freaking Min. I got the world at my feet, she thought as she pumped her fist in the air....like Tom Cruise.

Humming the tune of "sweet, sweet revenge" Jen walked into one of the stalls to relieve herself of the 2 bottles of Vodka and lime she had before coming to the premier. As the stall doors closed behind her, the doors to the bathroom opened and two women entered. They were talking.....Jen smiled when she heard what they were saying...awww, they were talking about her.

"To be honest, I was skeptical. I didn't think she would be able to pull it off but from what I've heard so far.....she blew everyone out of the water"

"I know what you mean....I thought it was a very bold move and it's paying off."

"Some women are just lucky. Winterbottom says she is so good, she makes him cry"

In the stall, Jen's smile changed to a frown. Winterbottom? Why did that name sound familiar?


"Oh you should hear him in that British accent of his....Jolie is just amazing! I just let the camera roll and she does her thing" the women laugh


"You know she's signed up for Atlas shrug"

"Wow, that's a meaty role. Oh...oh....I heard the cutest thing....okay, apparently to help prepare her for her role, Brad plays the mandolin to Angie."


"Awwww.....that is just the cutest. He is romantic"


"I know.....Seriously, Angie is lucky. Her family...her work, Brad. It doesn't get better than that. Who says you can't have it all?"

There was a moment of silence as both women applied their make up. Jen remained frozen in the stall. She didn't want to call attention to herself.


"So where are you off to?"

"I don't know.....you wanna go to the after party?"


"Sure why not, but first I gotta go tell Jen that crappy 10 mins movie she did was just divine dar-ling" the women laughed again and the first woman continued

"Seriously....who co-directs a ten minute movie?" they laughed as they made their way to the door.

In the stall, Jen slowly got up, unfortunately, the toilet was one of those equipped with sensors, and suddenly, a loud flushing noise filled the bathroom. Jen wince and began fanning the bowl with her hand as if to keep it down. The women stopped.


"Oh my God! someone was in there all this time?" one of them exclaimed.

"Hiding and eavesdropping?"


"Do you think it's somebody...Somebody?"


"Oh please....only a nobody will do that. It's probably the bathroom cleaners. I think there's a rule about them staying out of sight when celebs use the bathroom"

"Oh, okay" the other lady replied in relief.

"Come on, let's get out of here".

Jen waited until she heard their footsteps fading away. She could hardly believe it....today was her day, she was supposed to be happy. Once again, Brad and Angie had ruined things for her....she stomped her feet like a child. She hated them! She hated them! She thought as she stomped harder. So caught up in her anger was she, she failed to notice the ply of tissue on the floor, so when her feet came barreling down, she stepped on the tissue, causing her to fall head long into the toilet bowl. The automatic sensor went off, and Jen felt a rush of cold water dripping down her head, she could see the water moving in circles down the drain and this time, she didn't need a reporter for the metaphor of what she was witness....Yep, she got it. She was watching her life flushed down the toilet.

The End.